


Forgotten

by Lovelynightshade



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Cute, Depression, Emotional, Emotional Shock, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Sad, Shooting, Suicide, hurt!viktor, slowburn, supportive!yuuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-09-21 06:04:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9535031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovelynightshade/pseuds/Lovelynightshade
Summary: Viktor gets shot and forgets the past few years of his life.Even Yuuri.Can their relationship manage to survive the aftershock?





	1. Devestation

**Author's Note:**

> I don't particularly plan on making this a series, but if you guys want it, I will deliver.

Viktor and Yuuri skate off of the ice and attach their blade guards.

Viktor glances at Yuuri and smiles contently. _I am so lucky to have him in my life._ Viktor walks up behind the unexpecting Yuuri and wraps his arms around Yuuri’s waist.

Yuuri tenses instinctively, but relaxes at the realization that Viktor is the one hugging him. “You have no shame, do you?” Yuuri playfully laughs and turns around in Viktor’s embrace. He wraps his arms around Viktor’s neck.

Their foreheads touch as they look into each other’s eyes. Each extremely enamored with the other.

Viktor’s eyes soften and he pecks Yuuri’s lips. “There is nothing to be ashamed of, my sunshine.”

Yuuri smiles brightly and laughs beautifully. At least, Viktor sees it as beautiful.

Yuuri leans in for another kiss before someone’s hand is placed between Yuuri and Viktor’s faces.

“Listen here, assholes, I do _not_ want to see you kiss.” Yurio growls out the sentence, glaring at the two of them. He returns his hand to his side and stomps off to continue practice. “Why did I try to convince Yuuri to continue skating?” Yurio facepalms himself and skate out onto the ice.

Yuuri blushes brightly at the situation that just occurred. He steps out of Viktor’s embrace and rubs his neck nervously. “We should be heading home anyway. Makkachin is probably missing us.”

Viktor sighs happily and motions for the locker room.

 

Viktor and Yuuri walk side-by-side, their hands entangled. They are only minutes from arriving at their shared apartment.

Yuuri subconsciously leans his head onto Viktor’s shoulder, his mind drifting off to various topics.

Viktor focuses completely on Yuuri and him touching his shoulder. He squeezes his hand, almost as if making sure that Yuuri is real. _It’s almost like a dream._ He loves Yuuri so dearly, more than he has loved and cared for anyone in his life. He never wants to lose Yuuri. He never wants to stop loving him.

 

They walk into the apartment and remove their shoes and coats. Makkachin runs over to Viktor and Yuuri and jumps up and down happily. Yuuri and Viktor kneel down and pet Makkachin lovingly.

Viktor walks over to the couch and lays down on it. He flips through the channels lazily, looking for something both him and Yuuri could enjoy.

Yuuri smiles at the sight of Viktor on the couch. He loves Viktor so much. Whenever he sees Viktor, a small tightness forms in his throat. He’s so in love, _he’s scared._ He is terrified that this may end one day. Yuuri pushes away the thought and walks into the kitchen. “Viktor, do you want anything?”

“Yeah, you.” Viktor sits up and winks at Yuuri over the edge of the couch.

Yuuri blushes and shrinks slightly.

“I’m just teasing you. I’d love if you could make me some coffee. Yours is always the best.” Viktor lays back down and resumes his browsing.

Yuuri walks over to the coffee machine and begins making the coffee. Yuuri absolutely hates coffee, the bitterness and strength of it. He only ever bothered to learn how to make it when he found out about Viktor’s love for coffee. It took him weeks of failure and retry to finally figure out how to make it the way Viktor likes it.

Yuuri decides not to get anything and walks over to Viktor with the hot coffee mug. “Here you go, Viktor.” Yuuri hands Viktor the coffee.

Viktor leans himself up against the arm of the couch, his legs still taking up most of the couch space.

Yuuri casually sits on Viktor’s legs, cuddling up to Viktor. He Lays his head on Viktor’s chest. Yuuri looks at the television. “Really, Viktor? A flamingo documentary?” Yuuri stifles a laugh and covers his mouth with a hand.

“Hey! I like flamingos!” Viktor laughs. He feigns a hurt expression and dramatically places a hand on his chest. “Your words hurt me, Yuuri!”

Yuuri's eyes brighten at Viktor’s childish behavior. “Oh, calm down. You know I love you!” Yuuri gives off a light-hearted giggle and playfully punches Viktor’s arm.

Viktor becomes instantly silent. He slowly turns his gaze from the television to Yuuri. His eyes lock with Yuuri’s and he instantly covers his face with a mischievous smirk. “Oh? So that’s how you want to play, huh?” He leans awkwardly and places the cup of coffee on the coffee table behind him.

Yuuri’s eyes widen when he hears Viktor. _Oh fuck._ He scrambles off of the couch and slowly backs away from Viktor, who is still sitting on the couch with a dark smirk. “V-Viktor?”

Viktor gets off of the couch and steps toward Yuuri, his face void of acknowledgement for Yuuri’s words.

Yuuri takes a step back for each one Viktor takes forward. His hands rise up in front of him in a surrender. “Viktor… w-we can talk about th-this!” Yuuri’s breath quickens as Viktor continues forward. _Please, not again._ Yuuri is backed up against a walk, Viktor is only a few steps away.

“I don’t think we can.” Viktor reaches Yuuri and traps him between his arms. He leans into Yuuri’s ear and blows out a puff of air. “ _Yuuri._ ” Viktor’s hands fly to Yuuri’s sides and begin moving.

“NO-AHAHA!” Yuuri doubles over, laughing hysterically. “S-Sto-p tick-ling m-me!” Yuuri falls to the ground as Viktor’s hands remain unrelenting. Tears fall from his eyes as Viktor’s fingers poke and prod at his soft flesh.

“Say sorry.” Viktor straddles Yuuri’s waits to keep him from crawling away.

Yuuri twists and writhes beneath Viktor, hardly able to catch his breath. “Hahahaha! N-NEVER! Hah!” Yuuri smiles and reflexively tries to hit away Viktor’s hands. His legs flail about as he cries, laughing. “ST-AH!”

Viktor smiles wickedly while he tickles Yuuri. _He is perfect._ Viktor is suddenly and lightly hit across the face by an unaware Yuuri. He laughs harder and stops tickling Yuuri.

Yuuri heaves breathlessly and wipes tears from his eyes. “Viktor?” He laughs a little and sighs loudly.

Viktor takes Yuuri’s wrists in his hand with little resistance from Yuuri. He leans down and hovers his face over Yuuri’s. “Are you sorry yet?” He looks into Yuuri’s eyes, completely captured in their depths.

Yuuri blushes. “No, but I bet you could make me.” He leans up to the best of his ability and captures Viktor’s lip with his. He closes his eyes softly.

Viktor groans and moves his lips against Yuuri’s, closing his eyes to focus on the pure intimacy. He lightly bites Yuuri’s bottom lip and shoves his tongue in his mouth.

Yuuri hums happily and moves his tongue against Viktor’s. Their movements are completely sensual, as if kissing is the most natural thing ever. Yuuri wiggles his wrists out of Viktor’s hand and wraps his arms around Viktor’s neck.

Viktor uses his hand to pull Yuuri away from the kiss. He pants heatedly and looks into Yuuri’s disappointed eyes. _How I love those eyes._ “Yuuri? Would you be willing to go out with me for dinner?”

Yuuri’s expression changes to one of shock. He smiles and hugs Viktor. “Of course I want to go out with you!” _I love you so much._

Viktor and Yuuri stand up and return to the couch, both with bright smiles on their faces.

 

“Yuuri, wake up. We should start getting ready for our dinner.” Viktor pokes Yuuri, who is sleeping on his chest.

Yuuri groans and rubs his eyes. “Huh?” He blinks a few times and yawns while stretch out his limbs. “Did I fall asleep?” Yuuri mumbles.

“Yeah, about an hour ago.” Viktor runs his hand through Yuuri’s hair. He savors their contact for every moment.

“Why did you let me sleep? You should have just woken me up sooner.” Yuuri nuzzles his face into Viktor’s casual shirt, his voice laced with neutrality.

“Sorry, sunshine, but you looked so peaceful. I couldn’t bring myself to wake you sooner.” Viktor wraps his arms around Yuuri and holds him close. Yuuri’s warmth radiates, making Viktor sigh in bliss. _What did I do to deserve someone as beautiful as you?_

“Oh, really?” Yuuri inhales Viktor’s scent and smiles uncontrollably. “We should get ready then, shouldn’t we?”

Viktor nods and begins to get up along with Yuuri.

 

“So, where are we going?” Yuuri waits for Viktor at the door of their apartment.

“I made reservations at a restaurant.” Viktor slides his trench coat on over his suit.

“So _that’s_ why you wanted me to dress nicely.” Yuuri adjusts his tie and opens the door for Viktor.

“No, I wanted you to dress nicely for another reason.” Viktor off-handedly comments and walks out to his car.

Yuuri quirks an eyebrow and locks the door using his key. He walks to the passenger side of the car and enters. “Can I ask what that reason may be?”

Viktor smiles and buckles his seatbelt. “Oh, you can ask. But that doesn’t mean I’ll _tell you._ ” He smiles nervously and starts the car.

Yuuri groans in annoyance. He knows how much Viktor likes to surprise. It is one of the reasons Yuuri fell for him.

 

Viktor and Yuuri sit across from each other at their table. The low murmurings of everyone else causes Yuuri to feel slightly cramped.

Yuuri looks around, still in awe at how extravagant the scenery is.

“So, do you like it?” Viktor reaches his hand across the table and rests it on Yuuri’s. His heart is beating fast, anxious of what Yuuri will say to his later question.

Yuuri turns his attention back to Viktor and smiles happily. “I love it! I don’t think I have ever been anywhere this nice!” Yuuri exclaims with a childlike excitement in his eyes. He feels kind of guilty about the costs of these kinds of things, but he likes seeing Viktor excited to go out on dates.

“Good. I know you don’t usually like crowded places like this, but I wanted to treat you tonight.” Viktor slightly squeezes Yuuri’s hand. _Will he say yes?_

“No, I like it! It isn’t that bad!” Yuuri notices Viktor’s nervous behavior. Clammy hands, darting eyes, even bouncing his knee under the table. “Um, is everything okay? You seem nervous.”

“Wha- oh! N-No, I’m just a little stressed out.” That’s a lie. Viktor isn’t a little stressed, he is _very_ stressed. He knows that, logically, Yuuri will say yes, but something inside of him knows that he may say no.

 

Yuuri and Viktor hold hands as they walk out of the restaurant. Viktor leads Yuuri to their car, parked a few blocks away, considering that the restaurant has no parking lot or valet. The sidewalk only has a few people on it, the entire street is rather empty in general.

Neither of them mutter a word, content with just holding hands.

“Hey! Nikiforov!” Someone calls to Viktor.

Viktor turns around, assuming it is a fan of his. Yuuri follows.

The next few seconds seem to happen in slow motion.

The sight of the man pulling out a gun.

The bang of it when he pulls the trigger.

The bullet entering Viktor’s chest, near his heart.

Yuuri’s moment of realization and the scream.

Viktor thuds to the ground, instantly going unconscious.

“Viktor!” Yuuri screams loudly and falls to his knees. Tears fill his eyes. None of the racket around him reaches his ears. “SOMEBODY HELP!” Yuuri listens for Viktor’s breathing, completely in disarray.

Barely anything. A heart-wrenching sob leaves Yuuri.

 _No, please, not today!_ Yuuri applies pressure to the gun wound in an attempt to stop the bleeding. He begins hyperventilating, tears streaming down his face. He can’t lose Viktor. Not yet. He was finally happy with his life, truly happy. Why would this happen to him?

Someone pulls Yuuri back by his shoulder. Yuuri lurches forward, trying to get back to the pale Viktor.

“Move! We’re here to help!” A woman yells over Yuuri’s sobbing.

Yuuri steps back reluctantly as paramedics swarm around Viktor. He looks around for a second, completely stunned. _When did the ambulance get here? When did the police arrive?_ Minutes seem to pass in seconds.

Another person approaches Yuuri. “Do you want to ride in the ambulance with him? If you do, we need to go _now!_ ”

Everything becomes a blur to Yuuri. He is no longer crying, having gone numb a long time ago. He thoughtlessly runs around as people command.

_Please, don’t let me lose Viktor._

 

Viktor rubs his eyes open and blinks at the bright light above him. “Wha-” He sits up and looks around, thoroughly confused. He notices someone in a chair, sleeping with their head in his lap. “Um, excuse me?” He cautiously pokes the dark-haired man.

The man groans for a moment before shooting up. He looks at Viktor with wide eyes, the dark circles implying that he hasn’t slept in a long time. “Viktor?” He shoots forward and pulls Viktor into an embrace. “Thank God, you woke up!” He quickly pulls away and looks into Viktor’s eyes with his own brown, hooded-lid eyes.

Viktor tenses and scoots away. “Wh-Who are you? And why am I in a hospital?”

The man’s eyes widen, he opens his small mouth before a nurse comes in.

“Yuuri Katsuki? Can you wait in the hall while we run a few tests?”

 

“It seems that Mr. Nikiforov has some brain damage from the blood loss, resulting in memory loss. It may take a while, but it is more than possible for his memories to return. _In time._ ” The doctor consults Yuuri outside of Viktor’s room. “You shouldn’t tell him anything that may cause an emotional shock. For example, your engagement to him.”

Yuuri’s eyes fill with tears. _Viktor doesn’t remember me?_ “Wh-What should I do? We live together. I ca-” His voice breaks and tears run down his face.

“It is a good idea to leave hints, to help him remember on his own. So pictures of you two together should pose no problem. Just try not to tell him directly.” The doctor looks down at his clipboard and back at Yuuri. “Again, I am very sorry for you loss, but he is _extremely_ lucky to have survived. You can go back in and see him if you would like.”

Yuuri nods silently, wiping away his tears, and opens the door to Viktor’s room. He doesn’t enter immediately. “Viktor, is it okay for me to talk to you?”

Viktor nods and motions him in. “Sure!”

Yuuri walks over to the chair at the side of Viktor’s bed and stares at the floor.

“So…” Viktor looks directly at Yuuri, oblivious as to why he looks extremely sad. “Apparently, I have lost some of my memory. I’m guessing you are important to me, since you were here when I woke up…. Is that why you look sad?”

Yuuri doesn’t speak, knowing that he would break down in front of Viktor if he did. He just hides his face with his hair and nods once.

“Oh… Um, I’m not very good at comforting people, but I could give you a hug if you want?” Viktor stares at Yuuri, very confused. He opens his arms. He has absolutely no idea as to how to give people emotional comfort, just physical comfort. _That_ he is good at.

Yuuri looks up at Viktor, his face bordering heartbreak. He pushes away the tears and takes a shaky breath to regain composure. “No, you don’t have to do that for me. This is just… _hard_ for me.” Yuuri laughs sadly and runs his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. You must be having a hard time too.”

Viktor’s heart breaks from seeing Yuuri so sad. And he doesn’t know why. “It’s fine! Really! Just don’t cry, it makes me sad.”

Yuuri begins crying again. It hurts to know that Viktor remembers him somewhere but he doesn’t know it.

“No! I-I’m sorry! Don’t cry!” Viktor leans forward and hugs Yuuri instinctively. “Please stop crying!”

Yuuri sobs loudly. “I-I’m s-o sor-ry!” He hugs Viktor back, not caring that Viktor doesn’t remember him.

After a few minutes of them holding each other and Viktor awkwardly patting Yuuri’s back, they pulled away.

“So, who are you to me?” Viktor asks the question he should have asked first.

Yuuri brushes off Viktor’s arms and composes himself, feeling significantly better from hugging Viktor. “I am…” _Your fianc_ é _._ “Your roommate and friend.”

Viktor blinks in surprise. “Really!? I actually have a friend that I live with!?” Viktor smiles happily. _I’ve never had a friend like this!_

“Yuuri Katsuki?” Viktor’s doctor walks in and motions for Yuuri to join him out in the hallway.

Yuuri walks out and sighs. “What is it?”

“Viktor can go home tomorrow. He is stable enough.” The doctor hands Yuuri Viktor’s jacket. “I would avoid any sort any physical activity until Viktor has finished physical therapy. And please don’t leave him alone. He can become easily disoriented and confused until his memory returns.”

Yuuri takes the jacket and nods once. The doctor walks off and Yuuri examines the jacket. He sighs loudly, stressed and depressed. A heaviness in the jacket alerts Yuuri.

He quickly reaches into it and pulls out two objects.

A box and a piece of paper.

Yuuri opens the folded piece of paper and sees Viktor’s scratchy handwriting. He is only able to read some of it, having to guess the rest considering how small and rushed the writing is.

_Yuuri, you are the best thing that has happened to me. You brought light into my life, you are my sunshine…. I have never loved anyone this passionately before, you are my everything…. I am more terrified that I will lose you or wake up and find this to all be a dream than anything else in my life. Without you, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself…. I know you haven’t won gold yet, but it would honor me if you would come with me to America to become my lawful husband._

Yuuri stares at the paper as tears run down his face. He sobs quietly and shakily opens the box.

A wedding band.

Yuuri cries out and falls to his knees, broken from grief. He buries his face in his hands and sobs for what seems like hours. _We were going to get married! We were… we were going to be happy! Why? Why me!?_

A darkness looms over Yuuri. He feels no hope. No hope for the future. _What if he never remembers?_ Yuuri knows that his thoughts are not his own, but he can’t just push away his anxiety. He never can. It is a tumor to him that can never be removed. Viktor knew how to help him when he began to panic. But now, he has no one there for him.

Yuuri sobs quietly in his hands, leaning up against the wall behind him.

It feels as though his whole world has come crumbling down around him.


	2. Dealing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri brings Viktor home from the hospital.

Viktor hears a soft sobbing sound emitting from outside his room. He carefully gets out of his bed and shuffles across the room, dragging his IV drip with him. He reaches the door and peers into the bright hallway. “Yuuri?”

The small Japanese man is on the ground, sobbing violently. Yuuri is on his knees, his hands are gripping at his raven hair. His shoulders move up and down in time with his rapid breaths. 

Viktor pauses, suddenly overwashed with sorrow. “Y-Yuuri? Are you alright?” Viktor steps over to Yuuri and places a hand on one of Yuuri’s.  _ Why should I care that he’s crying? _

Yuuri jumps up, surprised by Viktor’s touch. He quickly brushes himself off and wipes his tears sloppily. “Wh-... What?” His voice is sad, different from his usual tone. He sniffles and avoids Viktor’s gaze. He shouldn’t be like this. Viktor needs him and he needs to be there for him until he is better.

“Uh…” Viktor searches for any other reason than ‘ _ you were crying’. _ “The nurse said I could leave today… I wanted to know if you could take me to my house.”

Yuuri cringes at the mention of ‘my house’. Yuuri wants to correct him. To tell him that it is ‘our  _ home’ _ not ‘my house’. He holds up a hand, gesturing that he needs a moment. God, he wishes Viktor remembered. He wishes Viktor would hug him and comfort him, but that’s not going to happen. “I-” Yuuri’s voice cracks. “Of course. I’m your... roommate after all. We can go home whenever you are ready.” Yuuri spits out the words with a newfound hatred for them.

Viktor looks extremely confused. His eyebrow quirks and he tilts his head. Then it hits him. “Oh yeah! You  _ are _ my roommate! Sorry about that!” Viktor laughs nervously and stares at Yuuri. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Yuuri takes a few small breaths and composes himself.  _ This is too much. _ “We can get you discharged whenever you are ready.” 

 

“Mom?” Yuuri talks into the phone.

“Yuuri!? Are you okay? Has Viktor woken up?”

“Y-Yeah… but it’s really bad, mom.” Yuuri breathes shakily. He’s waiting for Viktor to finish getting dressed so they can leave the hospital. “I don’t know what to do.”

“What is it?” Yuuri’s mom’s voice is filled with worry.

“He- hic- He doesn’t remember… me a-at all! The blood l-lo-ss messed w-ith his mem-hic- memory!” Yuuri sobs quietly.

“Oh, Yuuri.” Yuuri’s mom tries her best to console her baby. “Is he going to…”

“Y-Yeah, th-the doctor s-said he’ll ev-entually r-remember. But- b-but-!”

“Yuuri, I’m so sorry. Do- Do you need me to be there? I can catch a plane and be there by-”

“You don’t have to, mom. I just- I just needed to talk to someone….”

“Yuuri.” Her voice is filled with a certain knowing. “What else happened?”

“He was g-going to a-sk me to go to A-America and get o-our mar-riage license! He wanted to- I found th-the wedding band and n-note in his po-cket.

Yuuri’s mom remains silent on the other side of the phone. Not knowing how to console her son. “I’m going to see you. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“No, mom. Y-You need to work the re-resort. I can’t -ask that of y-you. I’ll be okay.”

“No, you won’t be okay. I’m catching a plane. I’ll be there tomorrow in the afternoon.”

Yuuri smiles a little. He misses his mom so much. “Mom, really…”

“No, I’m coming to see you and that’s final.”

Yuuri sighs, knowing he will not be able to sway him mother.

“Yuuri?” Yuuri’s mom’s tone changes.

“Yeah?”

“Please, take care of yourself.”

“I will, mom.”

“I love you.”

Yuuri laughs a little. “I love you too, mom.”

 

“Come on, I’ll drive us home.” Yuuri opens the passenger door of his car and motions Viktor to enter. 

“Mhmm.” Viktor takes a seat and buckles himself as Yuuri closes the door.

Yuuri enters the driver seat and starts the car. He begins driving to their apartment, about an hour away. He glances at Viktor after a few minutes to see him looking around ferverously. Yuuri clears his throat and focuses on the road. “So… anything you want to know?”

Viktor looks at Yuuri and nods. “Yeah, how long was I in the hospital?”

“About two weeks, you only woke up today.” Yuuri covers his distress with a calm facade. He had barely slept during those two weeks. He would have to leave once visiting times ended and he would go home and fret all night. The police had managed to catch the guy who did this. He took a guilty plea. Oh, how Yuuri  _ hates _ him. He is the one who caused all of this. Yuuri wants him to  _ rot _ in prison.

“Oh. How… did we meet?” Viktor speaks out after moments of silence.

Yuuri smiles at the once embarrassing memory. “About a year ago after the Grand Prix Finals. At the banquet. I- hehehe- I got  _ really _ drunk and kind of pole danced and danced with you and challenged Yurio to a-”

“Who’s Yurio?”

“A nickname we gave to Yuri. You couldn’t exactly coach me withou-”

“Coach you!?” Viktor’s eyes widen at the thought of him coaching anybody.  _ I would be a terrible coach. _

Yuuri scolds himself internally. “Yeeeaaaah… You came to Japan and kind of coached me. Then- You know what? I’ll sum everything important all at once.”

Viktor nodded for Yuuri to continue.

“Well, I skated to one of your routines. You saw it and thought it would be a  _ wonderful _ idea to coach me. You came to Japan. You coached me. At the Cup of China, we- uh, I won silver. Then we went on and I ended up winning silver. Yurio won gold.”

“Hold on! Yuri won  _ gold!? _ Isn’t he too young to-”

“He’s fifteen.” Yuuri corrects Viktor reflexively. “Oh, we’re here.”

 

“Um, Yuuri?” Viktor stares at the wall of photos. Several are ones of Viktor and Yuuri in passionate positions. 

“Yes?” Yuuri calls out from the kitchen.

Viktor takes one of the photos of them in his hands and stares at it. He notices something… concerning.  _ It can’t be. _ He glances toward the kitchen and place the picture back on the wall. “Is there something I’m… missing?” He walks into the kitchen and watches Yuuri roam around, cooking some foreign dish.

_The most important thing in my life._ “No, nothing more than the obvious.” Yuuri focuses on the pot in front of him. He has come to terms with Viktor’s memory loss. It still hurts, but after hours of Viktor walking around and asking questions, Yuuri has become somewhat accustomed to the small sting of pain that runs through his chest every time.

“Well, how close were we? It seems we were really good friends in the photos.” Viktor takes a seat at the island and watches Yuuri walk back and forth.  _ Damn, he’s gorgeous- Wait, what? _

“Yeah… we were really good friends.” Yuuri’s gaze drops and he sighs softly in discontent. 

“So, what am I going to do until I get my memories back?”

“I already have everything set up. I had a lot of time while you were…  _ recovering. _ I’ll stay at home with you. No social media though. If you take in so much information, it could shock your system.” Yuuri wipes the hair out of his eyes and turns to Viktor. “My mom is coming over tomorrow, she insisted.”

Viktor laughs heartily and leans forward. “Well, that almost sounds like I’m a  _ prisoner. _ ” He jokes freely, his normal social attitude shining through. 

Yuuri’s eyes widen, not realizing that Viktor is joking. “No! No! Your aren’t a prisoner. You can go out an-”

“I was just teasing. I- I don’t think I want to go out much until I’m better. The nurse told me it could be dangerous.” Viktor sighs and leans his head on the palm of his hand. 

Yuuri smiles sadly and returns to his cooking. He normally would have jokingly yelled at Viktor for teasing him like that, but he just doesn’t feel like it anymore. “We can go out and do things if you want. The doctor said it is only a matter of time before… you get your memories back.” Yuuri feels like throwing up and running away. From what? Yuuri has no idea. He feels like running into Viktor’s arms and holding him. He feels like he will wake up at any moment and this will all be one dark, twisted nightmare.

Viktor smiles and traces the patterns in the kitchen island with his finger. “Yeah, I want to get them back. Something feels…  _ off. _ Like I’m missing something important to me. Am I?” Viktor looks at Yuuri for an answer.

It takes everything Yuuri has to not blurt out everything he has been holding back. “Probably, but I have no idea.”

Viktor huffs in disappointment. “Oh.”  _ What am I missing? _

 

“Viktor? We should probably head to bed, it’s late and you need your rest.” Yuuri walks up behind the coach, just having finished cleaning up dinner. 

Viktor stares at the television intently, obviously in deep thought.  _ What am I missing? _ “Okay, yeah.” Viktor gets off of the couch and looks at Yuuri. His heart skips a beat when his gaze meet Yuuri’s eyes. Those brown eyes. So warm, they make you melt just thinking of them. Viktor shakes off the thought. 

“Are you o-” Yuuri pauses mid-sentence when he sees the screen. A flamingo documentary. Nausea hits Yuuri like a train. Memories of how they would be close and comfortable with each other hurt. It hurts to think of how Viktor doesn’t even remember him.

“Yuuri? Are you okay?” Viktor slowly approaches Yuuri, cautious of making him worse.

Yuuri can barely contain everything he has been holding back. He hasn’t cried since the hospital. But he wants to cry. He wants to hide inside of himself, to completely cut himself off from the world.  _ Viktor thinks I’m weak. He doesn’t remember me. He hardly knows me. _ Yuuri doesn’t speak, only nods, knowing that the second he does, he will break.

Viktor frowns and approaches Yuuri. He places a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder. He has no idea who Yuuri is to him, but Yuuri has been extremely nice and Viktor feels like he has a responsibility to keep Yuuri happy. “Are you sure?” Viktor tilts his head to the side and tries to meet Yuuri’s gaze.

Yuuri looks away from Viktor, opting to stare at the far wall. He nods again.  _ Just drop it. _

Viktor grumbles, slightly irritated. “Yuuri.” He sternly commands. “Look at me.”

Yuuri shakes his head, hiding his forming tears with his hair.  _ Please, Viktor, just drop it. I don’t want to cry in front of you now. _

Viktor huffs and grabs Yuuri’s face between both of his hands. He gently but forcibly turns Yuuri’s head. A deep pang of sorrow hits Viktor like a tidal wave. Yuuri’s red, teary face almost hurts for Viktor to look at. All of this confuses Viktor; the changes in his life, how he trusts and cares for Yuuri with no reason to, and everything in general. It would scare him, but Viktor has always been thick-skinned, it takes more than that to hurt Viktor. “Yuuri. Are. You. Okay?” Each word is filled with command and care.

The tears in Yuuri’s eyes well up. “N-No!” Yuuri’s voice cracks and the dam breaks. Tears rush down his face. He sobs loudly, but doesn’t touch Viktor. He doesn’t want Viktor to feel uncomfortable. “I-I’m not… I’m not okay!” 

Viktor lets go of Yuuri’s face and takes a step back, shocked by Yuuri bursting into tears. “Um…”

“I’m s-so  _ scared! _ ” Yuuri covers his face with his hands, trying to hide his face as well and he can. Yuuri isn’t scared. “I-I’m  _ terrified! _ I miss h-how-” Yuuri barely stops himself. He misses how Viktor would hold him. How Viktor would run his fingers through Yuuri’s hair while they cuddle on the couch. He misses Viktor being shamelessly flirtatious in public. 

He misses the Viktor that remembered him.

Viktor feels his throat tighten in anger and sadness. This  _ isn’t _ his fault. He shouldn’t feel guilty for making Yuuri cry. He understands why though. The picture from earlier. It makes sense. “Yuuri?”

“I kn-know that it isn’t your fault!” Yuuri sobs out every word, now shaking violently. “I know h-how you don’t even  _ know _ why I’m so-!” 

Viktor pushes his better judgement aside and hugs Yuuri tightly. He has no idea what possessed him to do this, but it feels…  _ right. _ “Yuuri, I’m sorry for making you cry.”

Yuuri stops crying for a second. A small hope fills him. Maybe Viktor remembers. Why else would he hug Yuuri?

“I’m not sure why, but I know I’m missing something  _ really _ important.”

Yuuri resumes his sobbing, this time harder. Everything in him breaks. All of him crumbles into nothing. “V-Vik-tor…!” Yuuri clings onto Viktor’s shirt, crying onto his chest.  _ I love you. I love you so much! _ This is all Yuuri wants to say. 

Viktor flinches and stares down at Yuuri.  _ This is awkward. I have no idea what to do. _ Viktor just pats Yuuri’s back, cooing small promises that everything will be okay in his ear. “Calm down, everything will be fine.”

“No! Everything- will  _ not _ be fine!” Yuuri hysterically cries, small wails of pure desperation escapes his pink lips. “Y-You were  _ sh-ot! _ You a-almost  _ died _ and I-I couldn’t do any-th-ing to help you! I-I could on-ly c-cry and s-scream!” Yuuri hiccups a sob between each broken word. “I’m a t-terrible f-fiance!” Yuuri mutters in a hushed whisper, not being able to actually focus on what he is saying.

Viktor tenses.

“ _ What? _ ”


	3. Rejection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor doesn't react too well to Yuuri's slip up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter! Feedback is very appreciated. ~ Ms. Author

“ _What?_ ”

“Ah!

Viktor pushes away Yuuri, causing Yuuri to fall to the ground. He instinctively reaches to help Yuuri before pulling his hand away. He isn’t sure of what Yuuri really said. Yuuri’s sobbing could have easily caused Viktor to mishear it.

Yuuri hits the ground with a thud. He cries out and cushions his fall with his elbows. He looks up at Viktor, not understanding the sudden out lash. “Viktor? Why did you-”

“What did you just say!?” Viktor steps toward Yuuri, clearly enraged.

“I have no idea what you-”

“You just called yourself my fiancé!” Viktor yells loudly, not caring how Yuuri feels. Viktor feels mad and overwhelmed, but most of all, he feels _betrayed._ _It can’t be!_

“I- oh god!” Yuuri covers his mouth with his hands and averts his gaze to the floor. He fucked up. He fucked up _really_ bad. He didn’t even know he had said it. Yuuri almost doesn’t believe he actually said it, but Viktor couldn’t have known, Yuuri has had their rings in his pocket this entire time. “I didn’t say that!” Yuuri can hopefully brush this off, blame it on Viktor’s hearing and his own hoarse crying.

Viktor knows exactly what he heard. And he doesn’t know how to react to it. He _should_ be happy that he has someone in his life for him. That Yuuri cares for him enough to get engaged to him. He should be elated. “I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID!” Viktor’s voice raises with each passing second.

Yuuri remains on the ground, beginning to shake from Viktor’s harsh tone. He’s _never_ heard Viktor so… mad. He shrinks away at every snap of Viktor’s words. _Does Viktor hate me? Will he… leave me?_ “I-I…” Yuuri whispers shakily, scared he will make Viktor madder. “I’m sor-ry! Please don’t-” Yuuri is scared. This is a whole new side of Viktor he has never seen before.

“IS IT TRUE!?”

“I-”

“Is. It. True!?” Viktor’s volume has lowered, not by much. He knows Yuuri is scared, but he couldn’t care less. He wants Yuuri to understand how _pissed_ he is that Yuuri tried to _cover this up._

“Y-Yes… It is.” Yuuri’s voice cracks, tears once again enter his eyes. He knows that if Viktor is going to reject him, he’ll do it bluntly. Yuuri has no idea what to do. His throat feels like it is closing shut, his eyes burn from the constant tears. Yuuri dares to look up at Viktor. “Viktor, I’m s-sorry I didn’t t-tell you.”

Viktor’s angry eyes meet Yuuri’s. “I can’t _believe_ you!” The tears swelling in Yuuri’s eyes make his heart ache a little. “You just decided you could _keep_ something like that from me!?”

Yuuri whimpers. He wanted to tell Viktor, but he couldn’t go against what the doctor told him. He had to try as hard as he could to keep Viktor safe. _Why is Viktor mad at me?_ “I was only do-ing what w-was best for you!”

“You shouldn’t be the one to decide that!”

“The doctor said you could go into emotional shock!” Yuuri is now mad at Viktor. How dare he suggest that Yuuri hasn’t given _everything_ to do what is best for Viktor. “Which is what is happening right now!” Yuuri stands up and glares at Viktor. He stands not two feet away from Viktor, both with a stance that shows clear anger.

“I don’t care what the doctor said! If you were my fiancé, you would have known I would have wanted to know this!”

Yuuri gasps. “Do you think I didn’t want to tell you!? It _hurt_ to not be able to tell you! It took me everything I had to stop myself from telling you!” Yuuri shoves Viktor with one of his hands, causing Viktor to stumble backward.

Viktor grunts and pushes Yuuri back significantly harder than Yuuri pushed him. “Obviously, it didn’t!”

Yuuri raised his hand as if he is about to slap Viktor.

“I doubt you even love me!” He knows that he is going too far with this, but Yuuri overstepped his boundaries. Viktor’s memories are his concern and _Yuuri_ has no right to keep that away from him.

Yuuri pauses. His expression is _livid,_ but his eyes are filled with despair. “HOW D-DARE Y-you…? You h-have no idea how m-much I-” Yuuri’s sentence fades away. He looks into Viktor’s eyes, softening his expression. “I love you….”

Viktor takes a deep breath, calming himself slightly. “Well, you aren’t very good at it!” Viktor pushes past Yuuri and stomps towards his room. He enters his room and closes the door with a slam.

Yuuri stands shock for a few moments. His mind runs through what just happened.

Viktor found out. Viktor got extremely mad. He screamed at Yuuri.

Yuuri has no clue as to how to react. The only thing he can feel is an unseen rope wrap around his neck, strangling him.

Yuuri covers his mouth with his hands, feeling bile rise up in his throat. He dashes to the bathroom and leans over the toilet, throwing up the contents of his stomach.

Yuuri hates throwing up. But he always does it when he gets nervous, it’s one of the ways his anxiety manifests itself. Currently, all of his anxiety is hitting him at once, wreaking havoc on his body and mind.

This was his first fight with Viktor. Of course, they had given each other the silent treatment, but they would never be able to stay mad at each other for more than a day. They had _never_ had a verbal fight to this degree, especially had never laid a hand on one another.

Yuuri’s stomach has nothing left to throw up, making him dry heave loudly.

This is the first time in a year he has had to do something like this alone. Viktor would alway be right next to him, rubbing his back and keeping his hair out of his face.

Yuuri stops heaving, opting to breathe deeply. He spits, trying to rid his mouth of the foul aftertaste. Yuuri wipes his mouth on his sleeve and gets up. Flushing the toilet, he wipes the tears off of his face and adjusts his clothes.

Yuuri exits the bathroom, slightly trembling from the occasional tear running down his cheek. He glances at his and Viktor’s shared room and turns away reluctantly, knowing Viktor will not be willing to talk. _I need to talk to someone._ He walks into the living room and sits on the couch, curling into himself. Yuuri reaches for the phone next to him.

Yuuri stares at the numbers, not knowing who would be awake at this hour. It is about 11 pm now, so it would be 5 am in Japan. Yuuri sighs and puts the phone back down.

He leans against the arm of the couch with his knees pressed up against his chest, brief memories of him and Viktor running through his mind. He tears up more at the stark contrast between then and now. A soft, heart-wrenching sob passes his lips.

He stays on the couch, crying quietly for what seems like hours. Yuuri eventually begins falling asleep, having tired himself out. Yuuri closes his eyes.

How could all of this have gone so wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly had such a hard time writing this. I could imagine Viktor getting mad at Yuuri, but not in the "I hate you" kind of way. Though, I suppose it could work this way. Who knows?


	4. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's mother comes to visit and comforts Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself for writing this chapter XD. I just felt like being EXTRA depressing. So, as always, enjoy the chapter! ~ Ms. Author

“Yuuri, wake up.” A woman’s voice speaks in Japanese and someone gives a small poke to Yuuri’s shoulder. 

Yuuri rolls onto his side. 

“Yuuri, honey, you’ve been sleeping all day.”

_ Mom? _

Yuuri peeks open an eye, having to squint to adjust to the sudden light. “When did you…?” Yuuri speaks in his native language.

“I got here about ten minutes ago. Viktor let me in.” Yuuri’s mother gently whispers to Yuuri.

“Nm, let me sleep.” Yuuri groans loudly. He feels like shit, his eyes burn from crying the previous night, his throat is tight, and all he wants to do is sleep. Yuuri wants to be able to have just a few more minutes where none of his problems exist. Where Viktor doesn’t hate him.

Just a few minutes.

“Sweety, it’s one p.m. and you should wake up.” 

Yuuri yawns and sits up, rubbing his eyes and stretching. “It’s that late?” Yuuri turns his head to look at his mother. 

“Yes.” Yuuri’s mom seems to be avoiding something.

Something Yuuri can’t quite point out.

Yuuri scoots himself back against the arm of the couch and motions for him mom to sit next to him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at the airport to pick you up. I’ve just had a lot of things on my mind.”

Yuuri’s mom smiles and places a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I just got a cab.” 

Yuuri sighs and runs his hand through his hair. He has so many thoughts running through him.  _ Wait, where is Viktor? _ “Mom? Do you know where Viktor is?”

“Yes. After he let me in, he went into a room down the hall. He… didn’t recognize me. Are you okay?” Yuuri’s mother slowly rubs Yuuri’s shoulder comfortingly.

Yuuri smiles shakily and nods once, not daring to look at his mother. She has always worried over him. He doesn’t want to give her more of a reason to worry more than she already has.

Yuuri’s mom looks at him in disbelief and pity. She obviously doesn’t believe him. “Yuuri-”

A sob escapes Yuuri’s lips before his mom can finish speaking. His eyes sting from tears that enter his eyes. Both of his hands cover his face. “I fucked up!” Yuuri tries to keep any sound he makes quiet so Viktor doesn’t hear him. 

She would normally scold Yuuri for using such language, but she understands why. “Oh, Yuuri.” Yuuri’s mom throws her arms around Yuuri and pulls him close to her, doing everything she can to comfort her crying child. 

Yuuri turns his body and hugs his mother back tightly. Her familiar warmth does little to stop Yuuri’s sobs. If anything, it makes Yuuri cry harder. “He hates me!”

“Yuuri, Viktor could  _ never _ hate you!” She slowly pats Yuuri’s back, occasionally rubbing up and down. 

Yuuri buries his face into his mom’s shirt. “He does! I-I  _ told _ him-!” Yuuri starts hyperventilating as his sobs increase in rate.

“Yuuri, you need to calm down. Come on, deep breaths.” Yuuri’s mother cooes softly, placing her chin on top of Yuuri’s head. “It’s just your anxiety. Viktor doesn’t hate you.” 

Yuuri focuses on his mother’s soft voice, slowly changing his sobbing to sniffles and hiccups after several minutes.

“Okay, Yuuri, start from the beginning.”

Yuuri nods and sits up, brushing off his mother’s arms. “S-So, we came home yesterday and I m-made dinner. Viktor was on the couch and he was-” Yuuri’s voice cracks and he takes a deep breath, hoping that he will be able to speak without bursting into tears again. “He was… watching a p-program that we left unfinished on the day he- h-he-”

“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to.”

Yuuri nods again and brings his shirt sleeve to wipe away tears. “I g-got upset and started crying and- and he hugged me.” Yuuri smiles at the momentary thought of being held by Viktor. “I kept crying and I couldn’t stop myself. I-I told him about our engagement. Mom, I-I  _ really _ didn’t mean to. I couldn’t….” He looks up, expecting his mom to be disappointed in Yuuri for not better controlling his emotions.

“I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.” Yuuri’s mother just nods for him to continue, her eyes slowly growing sad. 

Yuuri stares at his fidgeting hands and briefly smiles. “He- He went into shock and got  _ really _ mad at me. We started yelling at each other and….” Yuuri futilely tries to stop a few tears from rolling down his cheek. “And he said that he didn’t believe I ever loved him….”

Yuuri’s mom gasps. Her heart breaks at seeing the look of absolute helplessness in Yuuri’s eyes. “I’m  _ so _ sorry, Yuuri.”

Yuuri doesn’t respond. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. Yuuri stands up and begins walking towards the kitchen. “Do you uh- want anything to eat or drink?”    
Yuuri’s mom stands up and walks over to Yuuri. She grabs his hand and looks up at him. “Oh no, I’m cooking. You need to relax.” 

Yuuri smiles at his mother’s motherly command. “I just… need  _ something _ to occupy my mind. You know how I am.” Yuuri chuckles awkwardly and tugs his arm out of his mom’s grip. Yuuri does need something to do. Anything that will stop these rapid, panicking thoughts from running through his head. 

“Fine, but I’m talking to Viktor.” Yuuri’s mom has a look of certain determination. 

“Mom, you can’t speak English. And I don’t feel like translating.” 

“Hm… You need to promise to talk to him. He was going through shock and I doubt Viktor could  _ ever _ hate you.” Yuuri’s mom places her hands on her hips, attempting to put authority in her voice. 

Yuuri sighs, knowing that he will probably never talk to Viktor on his own accord. “Yeah, okay, I will. I just want to spend as much time as possible with you while you are here. I missed you.” Yuuri changes the subject, hoping his mom will be distracted from the subject of Viktor. 

A bright smile crosses Yuuri’s mother’s face. “Oh, I missed you too, Yuuri!”

“So, what do you want to eat?” Yuuri feels a weight lift off of his shoulders.

 

It’s been hours since Yuuri’s mom has arrived and Yuuri hasn’t seen or heard Viktor.

“Uh… Mom? I’m… going to see if Viktor is okay…. And I’m gonna bring him some food.”

“Yuuri, do you want me to do it?” Yuuri’s mother looks at Yuuri, who is on the couch, from the kitchen. 

Yuuri is extremely compelled to accept her offer. He dreads what Viktor may say if he were to approach him. “No, you said that I needed to talk to him at some point. You were right.” Yuuri stands up slowly, trying to bide his time. He shuffles over to the stove where some leftover food remains. Yuuri takes his time to properly warm up and prepare the food. 

It’s so simple, but to Yuuri, it’s hell. His heart races in worry.  _ What will he say? Will he yell at me again? _ Yuuri’s hand begins pulling at the ends of his shirt.

“Yuuri, I don’t think you should do that. You seem too anxious.” Yuuri’s mom calls out to Yuuri, knowing how Yuuri acts when he is at the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“It’s fine. I have food anyway. Viktor likes food.” Yuuri laughs nervously and removes the food from the microwave. He grabs a fork for Viktor and begins walking to Viktor’s room.  _ Wish me luck. _

Yuuri stands in front of the door. His mother cannot see him from this angle. 

Yuuri has no motivation to knock on the door.  _ I’ll see Viktor. No matter how this plays out, it is worth at least that. _

With whatever smudge of courage Yuuri has, he holds the plate with one hand and knocks on the door thrice with his other. 

A few moments pass by. 

Yuuri considers walking away.  _ Viktor doesn’t want to see me. _

As Yuuri is about to turn away, the door opens to show a distraught Viktor. 

“What?” Viktor grumbles angrily. His hair is slightly messy and he is dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. 

Yuuri’s heart skips a beat and not in a good way. “Um- I- I brought you… food. M-My mom said you haven’t l-left our room this whole time.”

_ Fuck, _ Yuuri thinks.  _ I messed up. I called it ‘our’ room. _ “I m-mean y-your room.”

Viktor stares at Yuuri, his glare unfaltering. “I don’t  _ want _ any food  _ you _ made.” Viktor slams the door in Yuuri’s face.

Yuuri stares at the door for a moment with wide eyes. Small tears enter his eyes.  _ Viktor doesn’t…. He…. _

Yuuri doesn’t even bother trying again. He just sighs and turns around. He reenters the kitchen and places the plate onto the kitchen island. 

“Yuuri, did you-”

“He… wasn’t hungry.” Yuuri runs his hand through his hair and walks back to sit with his mom on the couch. “He still needs some time alone. The doctor said emotional shock can last for days, so that’s probably what is happening.”

_ Hopefully. _ Hopefully, Viktor is in denial and needs  _ someone _ to blame his confusion on and Yuuri was the only person he could blame.

“So,” Yuuri laughs and changes the whole atmosphere. “How long will you be able to stay?”

Yuuri’s mom gives Yuuri a quick look of worry before smiling as well. She knows that talking to Yuuri about an issue too soon can potentially make it worse. “I have to go back to Hasetsu tonight, but we still have a few hours.”

Yuuri hums in acknowledgment. He doesn’t want his mom to leave. She has been the first person to provide him emotional comfort and calm him down completely.

“Yuuri, I can stay longer if you want me to. I don’t want to leave you alone if you aren’t okay.” Yuuri’s mom’s eyes follow Yuuri as he plops himself onto the couch next to her. 

_ I don’t want you to leave yet. _ “No! Don’t change your plans for me! I’ll be perfectly fine!” Yuuri waves his hands to dismiss the thought of his mom staying longer than she planned.

Yuuri’s mom doesn’t believe him.

 

Yuuri’s mom hugs Yuuri tightly.

The two of them stand at the doorway. Yuuri’s mom is about to leave for her plane. 

Yuuri hugs her back with everything he can. “I’m going to miss you, mom.”  _ Please don’t leave me yet. _

“I will miss you  _ so _ much,” Yuuri’s mom responds. She pulls away and looks up at Yuuri. “I don’t  _ need _ to leave yet. I can stay a while longer.” 

_ Please, don’t go. _

“No, really, I’ll be fine. I will call you in the morning.” Yuuri smiles at his mother. This smile is the fakest and hardest smile that Yuuri has ever had to muster. 

“First thing. No exceptions.”

“Hehehe, I will.”  _ Please, I can’t be alone. _

“Goodbye, Yuuri.”

“Bye, mom.”

 

Yuuri closes the door behind his mom. Yuuri moves back to the couch on which he has been on virtually all day. 

_ I hate this couch. _

Yuuri has no reason to hate the couch other than that he has only been crying and moping on it all day. 

Yuuri glances at the clock.  _ Almost midnight. _ Yuuri knows he should try to get Viktor to eat something. He was given the job of making sure Viktor is okay and one way or another, Yuuri is going to make sure that will happen. 

Yuuri groans and walks back towards the door leading to their room. 

Yuuri knocks shyly, feeling the intense need to run. 

_ Run. _

Viktor opens the door, still in the same clothing. 

_ Run. _

“Y-You should eat something.” Yuuri looks down at the ground.

_ Get away. _

“I’m not hungry.”

_ Run from your problems. _

Yuuri holds his ground. “I know you are mad at me right now, but you need to eat  _ something. _ ”

_ He hates you. _

“And why would  _ you _ care?” Viktor’s voice is filled with spite and loathing.

_ Just run before you make it worse. _

“Because you haven’t eaten dinner yet. I don’t c-care what you think, but we love each other and I’m not going to let you starve while you are missing your memories.” Yuuri chooses his words carefully. 

_ Leave. _

Viktor scoffs and a scowl forms on his face. “That’s where you’re wrong.”

_ Please, don’t say it, _ Yuuri thinks. 

“I would  _ never _ and  _ will  _ never love someone so selfish.”

_ You’ve ruined everything. _

  
_ Just like you always have. _


	5. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor is still really salty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little early, but I have the EXACT opposite of writer's block. ~ Ms. Author

Yuuri stares at Viktor with wide, teary eyes. “No… you’re wrong….”

“I doubt I am,” Viktor sneers and smirks at Yuuri. 

“You  _ are. _ You’re going through emotional shock. That’s what the doctor said would happen. In a few days, you-you’ll calm down and hopefully, you’ll get your memories back.” Yuuri talks more to himself than to Viktor, seemingly trying to comfort himself that everything will be okay.

“Even if I do get my memories back, I won’t be forgiving you for hiding  _ my _ personal life from  _ me. _ ” Viktor pushes past Yuuri and walks into the kitchen. 

Yuuri sighs and whispers to himself. “I know.” He follows Viktor and sits down on one of the stools near the kitchen island. 

Viktor seems uptight and angry, understandably so.

Yuuri nervously follows Viktor with his eyes as he moves around.  _ Someone has to be the adult in this. I can’t just let this go on like this. _ “Viktor?”

Viktor continues grabbing his food, acting oblivious to Yuuri’s comment. 

“Viktor.”

Viktor pays no attention to Yuuri, only grumbling lowly.

“Viktor!” Yuuri yells surprisingly loud.

“WHAT!?” Viktor whips around and snaps at Yuuri.

“Just  _ talk _ to me! We aren’t  _ children! _ ” Yuuri yells with desperation integrated in his voice. He knows Viktor is  _ pissed _ and he is prepared for a lot of yelling. 

“Well,  _ maybe _ if you didn’t  _ hide _ things from me like a  _ child, _ then we wouldn’t be having this problem!” Viktor screams at Yuuri, taking a step towards Yuuri.

Yuuri stands up out of his chair. He slams his palm onto the island. “No! This is  _ not _ going to become a screaming match! You are going to get your dinner and we are going to sit down and  _ talk _ this through until  _ this _ is resolved!” Yuuri glares at Viktor and puts as much authority in his voice as possible. His arm gestures to the abandoned plate of food on the counter.

Viktor gapes at Yuuri and quickly fixes his face into a scowl. He tsks and resumes grabbing food from the stove.

Yuuri sighs, shocked that Viktor gave in so easily.  _ Good job Yuuri, just have to keep this up until he calms down. _ He walks into the living room and seats himself on the loveseat. He glances at Viktor from over the side of the couch. Yuuri hopes that Viktor doesn’t go back into his room instead of sitting in the livingroom. 

Viktor takes his plate and utensils and walks into the livingroom, sitting on the other empty couch. “What did you want to say to me?”

Yuuri straightens his back and looks directly at Viktor, who is poking at his food with his fork. “I know you are mad at me for hiding our engagement from you.”

Viktor hums in confirmation.

“But you need to know where I am coming from.” Yuuri pauses for a second, allowing Viktor room to comment.

Viktor says nothing.

“I was at the end of my career. I placed sixth in the GPF and everything seemed to be meaningless. I fell into depression. I crashed and burned and never made it to Nationals.” Yuuri grimaces and sighs. “I went home to Hasetsu five months later and to keep myself from being bored, I went to the skating rink and skated to your performance ‘Stay Close to Me’. My friend’s triplets recorded it and posted it online. It went viral.”

Viktor eats a small bite of the food and hums. “At least you can cook.”

Yuuri smiles brightly until he notices the passive aggressive tone in Viktor’s voice. “I-uh… You saw it and decided to become my coach for the season.”   
“Seems like I was desperate.”

“Well, you trained me and I got silver in the Cup of China. And after my free skate, you… kissed me at the kiss and cry.”

“That seems sudden. Somewhat out of character.”

“W-Well, we were kind of in a relationship beforehand, but we were not public about it yet. S-So, I then got fourth place in the Rostelecom Cup. But you had to leave halfway because Makkachin had gotten sick and I told you to go be with him incase he… but I managed well enough since you managed to convince Yakov to be my coach temporarily.”

“So, I trusted you to Yakov?” 

“Y-Yeah, why?”

“No real reason.” Viktor looks up at Yuuri and makes eye contact.

Yuuri grumbles in slight annoyance. “So then, in Barcelona we… got engaged at Sangrada Familia. I won silver and broke your world record with my free skate.” Yuuri looks hopefully at Viktor, hoping that Viktor might give him something close to praise.

Viktor’s eyes widen. He laughs slightly. “Really!? Which one of us proposed?”

“Wh-Why?”

“Well, if  _ you _ did it, I may have said ‘yes’ to avoid hurting your feelings.”

Yuuri feels like he is being stabbed in the heart. “I-It was m-my idea, but you had a ring already.”

“Hmm… I guess you have a point.” Viktor places his half-finished plate of food onto the coffee table. “But why exactly would you want hide that from me?”

“I didn’t want to!” Yuuri stops himself, realizing that he is slowly raising his voice. “You were shot right  _ in front of me. _ I- I was paralyzed.”

“So, you just stood there?”

“NO! I ran to your side and did everything I could to help you! I-I screamed for help and held the wound and I- you were in a coma for  _ two weeks _ and I didn’t know if you would ever wake up!” Yuuri bites his lip and takes shaky breaths. “I barely got any sleep. They had to  _ force _ me to go home and sleep because I wouldn’t leave you.”

“You aren’t answering my question.”

Yuuri struggles to remain calm. “You  _ finally _ woke up and the doctor said that telling you about our engagement upright would send you into emotional shock. And I didn’t want to hurt you. I couldn’t bear the thought.”

Viktor snickers and examines his hand, poking at the ring finger. “Well, you  _ fucked up _ there. Also, where is the ring?”

Yuuri brightens and reaches into his pocket. He takes it between his fingers and hands it to Viktor. “Here, do you want it? I was planning to hold it until you got your memory back, but….”

“No, you can keep it.” Viktor waves off Yuuri’s hand and reaches for the remote. 

“Oh, okay. So, are you still mad?” Yuuri knows the answer already, but he wants to know. He wants to hear it from Viktor.

“Yes, very.” Viktor flips through the channels.

_ How can you act so cold? _ Yuuri drops his gaze and puts the ring back into his pocket. “Oh….” Yuuri pulls his knees up to his chest. He holds them tightly and rests his forehead on them.  _ Why can’t he just get his goddamn memories back!? How long will it take? _

Viktor’s eyes flick over to Yuuri. His eyes soften when he notices the small tears beading up in his eyes.  _ I should apologize. I have been overreacting. _ “I’m sorry,” Viktor whispers lowly.

“What?” Yuuri looks into Viktor’s eyes for a moment. 

Viktor stands up and walks over to Yuuri.

Yuuri nervously looks up at Viktor. “What did you say?”

Viktor sits down next to Yuuri and wraps an arm around him. “I’m sorry.”

Yuuri tenses, but doesn’t make a move to push away Viktor. 

“I’m not mad at you.” Viktor takes his other hand and pulls Yuuri’s head to rest against his chest. “I’m very stressed.”

Yuuri smiles and hugs Viktor. He is happy that Viktor isn’t mad at him. “I understand.” Yuuri feels a huge weight being lifted from his chest. “Thank you.” 

Viktor almost feels bad for Yuuri.  _ Why am I giving him false hope? I don’t love him. _ “Mhm.” Viktor rests his head against Yuuri’s and runs his hand through Yuuri’s hair. “Could we go out and do something tomorrow?” Viktor feels Yuuri relax against him.

“Yeah, whatever you want.”

“Could we go to the ice rink? I want to see Yakov and everyone.”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why I wrote this to be so happy. ("Calm before the storm" anyone?)


	6. Isolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Viktor make a visit to the ice rink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, two updates in two days. I'm proud of myself. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

“Uh, Yuuri? I can’t feel my arm.”

Yuuri groans and rubs his eyes sleepily. “Huh?” He opens his eyes and winces at the brightness. He sits up groggily and looks around. Yuuri looks to his side and weakly smiles. “‘Morning, Viktor. Did I fall asleep on you?”

“I think I fell asleep first, but yeah.” Viktor stretches and yawns loudly. “What time is it?”

Yuuri looks at the clock on the wall. “Just before noon.” Yuuri fixes his glasses. He feels amazing. He hasn’t slept this well in weeks, most likely since this was the first time he hasn’t had extreme anxiety while sleeping. Yuuri realizes that Viktor probably doesn’t feel for him in the same way he feels for Vitkor yet, but he can hope. He can only hold onto anything close to hope that he has. “The rink should be open. Do you still want to go?” Yuuri turns to look at Viktor, smiling from seeing his dishevelled hair.

Viktor stands up with a grunt and nods. “I’m gonna go get changed.” He shuffles to his room.

Yuuri stands up as well. He runs his hand through his somewhat long hair and follows Viktor into their bedroom. He is about to start changing when he realizes how Viktor hasn’t actually seen him naked, well, at that he can remember. “I’ll grab a change of clothes and change in the bathroom.”

“I don’t mind you changing in here. I’m not very shy.” Viktor keeps a straight face as he removes his shirt.

_Of course he doesn’t mind being seen naked, but the problem here is me._ “Um, the thing is….” Yuuri scratches the back of his neck.

“I’ll turn around. Promise not to look.” Viktor winks at Yuuri and continues changing with his back to Yuuri.

Yuuri almost dies from the wink. He opens the closet and picks out a sweater and jeans. Yuuri quickly undresses and struggles to pull up his pants. “I’m getting fat again,” Yuuri off-handedly comments to himself. He catches himself and groans inwardly. _Nice one, idiot. He probably thinks you’re a pig._

Viktor snickers and muffles a laugh. “You? Getting _fat?_ ”

Yuuri gasps in feigned hurt. “Listen here, I gain weight _very easily._ You should have seen me when you first started coaching me. I have stretch marks from gaining and losing the weight so fast.” Yuuri walks over to the bureau and brushes his messy hair with the black hairbrush.

“They can’t possibly be _that_ bad.” Viktor huffs and walks over to Yuuri. He stands just behind Yuuri and runs his hand through his hair, trying to neaten it.

“Here.” Yuuri hands the hairbrush to him.

“Thank you.” Viktor takes about five seconds to brush his hair. “So, what should I know before we get there?”

Yuuri concentrates hard for a few moments. “Uh… Yurio- Um, _Yuri_ is fifteen. And Lilia is helping train him.” Yuuri turns around and leans close to Viktor. He brings his voice low and smiles lightly. “I personally think that they’re gonna get back together.”

Viktor’s face twists in disbelief. “Hah! As if! They hate each other!” He walks out of the room, making sure that Yuuri is following behind.

“ _That’s_ what you kept saying before, but if you paid attention enough to see the little side glances that they give each other when the other isn’t looking, you would be thinking differently.” Yuuri has a small laugh in his voice while he talks. He greatly misses being able to joke around with Viktor. Yuuri can certainly deal with this until Viktor gets his memory back. As long as Viktor doesn’t hate him, Yuuri can bare with it. “Doubt it.” Viktor puts on his long jacket and sips on his shoes.

“Don’t you want to eat first?” Yuuri stands near the kitchen.

“Oh, right, can we get something to eat afterward?” Viktor hides his excitement behind a mask of nervousness.

“I don’t-”

“Oh!” Viktor holds up a finger in realization. “I know this _really_ nice restaurant that we can go to for lunch!”

Scenes flash through Yuri’s mind.

Viktor laying on the sidewalk, blood pouring out of his gun wound. Yuuri is covered in Viktor’s blood.

Yuuri bites his lip and lowers his gaze to the floor. “I d-don’t really _want_ to… go to a restaurant.”

“But why?” Viktor frowns and remains in his spot.

“Th-That night… when you were… _shot._ We were-”

“No, it’s fine. I get it.”

 

Yuuri drives into the empty parking lot of the ice rink and parks the car. “Okay, they should be practicing right now, I doubt they will mind us dropping by.”

Viktor unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door. “I’m a bit excited.”

“Me too.” Yuuri walks alongside Viktor until they reach the door. Yuuri opens the door and walks in behind Viktor.

They enter the cold area of the ice rink.

Yurio is being lectured by Yakov. He rolls his eyes and looks around the rink with a bored expression.

Mila and Georgi skate around the rink, performing various jumps or spins.

Mila lands a jump, facing towards Yuuri and Viktor. As she gets closer, a bright smile covers her face. “Viktor!”

Viktor smiles back and runs to the side of the rink. “Wow, did you cut your hair?” Viktor leans over the low wall and enters a conversation with Mila about random things.

Everyone turns their heads to looks at Viktor. Yakov frown and walks over to meet them.

“Vitya, how are you recovering?” Yakov keeps a cold face.

Viktor smiles and turns his attention to Yakov. “Very well! Yuuri has been very nice to me!”

Mila looks around uncomfortably and Yurio, who has skated over during the conversation, has a somber look on his face.

Yuuri quirks an eyebrow before realizing why they are uncomfortable. “Oh, don’t worry about it. He… found out.”

“Found out about what?” Viktor looks at Yuuri for an answer.

“I told them after we got home from the hospital that you forgot about our… relationship and you couldn’t find out.” Yuuri chuckles nervously.

Yurio is the first one to speak up. “Good.” He sounds pissed.

Viktor stares at Yurio. “Huh? Oh! Yuri! You look so much olde-”

Yurio points a finger at Viktor. “You, wait there.” He skates away quickly to the exit and walks off of the ice. He doesn’t even bother putting on his skate guards. Yurio unties and removes his skates at an alarming speed.

Yuuri slowly gets anxious as the small Russian stomps over to them.

“Oh boy, you’re in for it now.” Mila pushes away from the wall and skates to the opposite side of the rink before Yurio finishes approaching.

Yakov gives Viktor a knowing look before walking away in the opposite direction of Yurio.

Viktor leans his mouth towards Yuuri, cautiously keeping his eyes on the fuming Yurio. “Why are they walking away?”

Yuuri remains still and silent.

“Yuuri-”

“You MOTHERFUCKER!” Yurio stands in front of Viktor and glares at him while delivering a hard punch to his shoulder.

“Ow! What are you doi-”

“I heard from Yuuko that she heard from Yuuri’s mom that you were being an _asshole_ to Yuuri!” Yurio has to look up at Viktor, but that doesn’t stop Yurio from looking _terrifying._

Viktor keeps his mouth shut and takes a step back.

“Now listen here, you little _bitch!_ _I_ can be an asshole to piggy here!” Yurio keeps eye contact as he points to Yuuri. “I couldn’t care fucking _less_ about who is a dick to katsudon!”

“Who are you talking about?”

“But _YOU!_ You don’t _get_ to be an ass to Yuuri! Apparently, he was in _tears_ over how much of a dick you were to him!”

Yuuri gasps and shrinks in on himself. He feels mortified. He didn’t want Viktor to know about that. But to be honest, he is glad that _he_ isn’t the one that Yurio is yelling at for once. “N-No, Yurio, really, it’s fine he-”

Yurio snaps his head towards Yuuri, a furious look in his eyes. “Shut up!”

Yuuri snaps his mouth shut and nods. He is absolutely terrified of Yurio when he gets _really_ angry.

Viktor takes a step back again while Yurio is distracted and makes a move to sneak away.

Yurio notices this immediately and grabs Viktor’s upper arm and forcibly turns him around. “You don’t get to leave until I am _done!_ ”

Viktor puts his hands up in surrender. “Please don’t hurt me,” Viktor manages to squeak out.

“Oh, I’m not going to _hurt_ you! I’m going to do _much_ _worse!_ ”

Viktor gulps and mouths ‘help me’ to Yuuri.

Yuuri shrugs his shoulders and mouths back ‘God help you’.

“You found out you were _engaged_ and your first instinct is to fucking _shoot him down!?_ ” Yurio turns around and moves his hands around dramatically. He begins pacing, a trait that Viktor got from Yakov. “Now, let me tell you how much I _hate_ seeing how sickeningly _cute,_ ” Yurio shivers in disgust, “you guys are in public, but do you have any _idea_ how many nights you would call me and tell me how much you love this fucker!? A _lot!_ You would rant for hours and _hours_ about how cute you thought his glasses are or how fucking _GREAT_ you thought his stretch marks are, _even if_ he thought they were disgusting!” Yurio screams loud enough for all of Russia to hear.

Yuuri hadn’t known this and it fills him with both happiness and shock.

“While you were in the hospital, he had to be dragged home to fucking _sleep_ because he was spending so much time making sure your sponsors stayed with you! Even then, he couldn’t sleep because of nightmares about you being _shot!_ ”

It’s true. Yuuri hadn’t had a good night’s rest for those two weeks, he was either worrying and pacing around or staring at the ceiling and thinking of what he could do to help Viktor.

“We had to take turns staying there so at least one of us would be able to hold him down during his violent night terrors!”

Again, Yurio isn’t lying. Yuuri, when he did sleep, albeit rare, would have night terrors where he would thrash around, screaming loudly. The first time he had one had been while he was sleeping in the hospital in the afternoon. It took three nurses to hold him down and even then, he gave himself bruises.

“He has given his _life_ for you, only to have _you_ turn around and hurt him!”

Yuuri is unsure of whether Yurio is trying to set Viktor straight or trying to throw Viktor into another coma. But he cannot rightfully stop Yurio.

Viktor is becoming visibly irritated.

“YOU love this pig more than anything you have ever-”

“I DON’T LOVE HIM! STOP ACTING LIKE I SHOULD!” Viktor scream ten times louder at Yurio.

Yuuri feels his heart shatter again. He had no idea that it was even fixed enough to be shattered once more.

Everyone in the rink seems to still. Every _thing_ seems to still. Time itself becomes nothing.

What happens next shocks everyone, especially Yuuri.

Yuuri’s body seems to move on its own. His arm raises, seemingly having its own mind.

A loud slap echoes through the room, followed by a series of gasps.

Viktor’s head jerks from the sheer force of Yuuri’s hit.

“FUCK YOU!” Yuuri screams at the top of his voice, his voice cracks as he turns and walks away. “Find your own damn way home!”

Yuuri, in a fit of rage, slams open the door and walks to his car. He slams the door close and drives to their home.

“I-I can’t _b-believe_ he- that he would- I gave up s-so _much_ for him!” Yuuri yells at nobody as he finally reaches the driveway.

Yuuri stomps up the stairs of their house and angrily opens the door.

As soon as he closes the door, Yuuri falls to his knees. He is being eaten by grief. “No! I can’t do this! I can’t do this!”

The walls seem to be closing in on Yuuri.

“I can’t do this!”

The edges of his vision begin to darken.

“I can’t do this!”

His head pounds and his throat tightens.

“I can’t do this!”

His hands slowly go numb.

“I-I c-a-n’t d-o-o th-thi-is!”

A panicked scream is ripped from Yuuri’s throat. He feels like he is dying.

No one can save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that I am portraying Yuuri's anxiety correctly. I'm mostly writing his reactions to things from personal experience.


	7. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another early update! I am on a ROLL! So, I have two more chapters planned for this story, maybe three if you guys want an epilogue. As for the ending, I still haven't written it, but I have several that I have to decide between. Whether those are happy or sad, that's undecided. Enjoy!

Yuuri begins screaming in an unadulterated panic, tears running down his cheeks. Complete terror fills his mind.  _ Yuuri, you’re having a panic attack, calm down. _ Yuuri tries to comfort himself, but fails as waves of panic wash over him. He breathes in rapid, short huffs as he begins to rock back and forth on his knees while gripping at his hair. 

Yuuri feels a mass collide with him, sending him onto his back. “Ah!” Yuuri is snapped out of his panic for a short second before it returns. Whatever ran into him begins licking his face. Yuuri holds up his hands to try and block it. He opens his teary eyes and sees Makkachin. “M-Makkachin? Wh-What are you do-ing?” Yuuri laughs through his tears as Makkachin continues jumping up and down on him and licking his face.

Makkachin stops licking Yuuri’s face and lays down on Yuuri.

“Ah!” Yuuri cries out as Makkachin puts his entire weight on him. Yuuri giggles lightly, but those giggles turn into sobbing. Yuuri wraps his arms around Makkachin and cries freely.

Makkachin nudges his nose against Yuuri’s face and gives him small licks.

Yuuri ignores Makkachin licking his face. He feels Makkachin walk off of him after a moment. “M-My medicine. I f-forgot to t-take it.” Yuuri pushes himself up slowly, trying not to make himself any more disoriented. With a loud groan and panicked breaths, Yuuri stands up and makes his way to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

“Okay. J-Just d-don’t drop th-them.” Another forced sob leaves Yuuri as he sniffles and tries to calm his tears. He reaches a shaky hand to grab the small bottle of clonidine, a sedative, and unscrews the cap after a few failed tries. “Th-Three. Thr-ee.” 

Yuuri chants slowly, reassuring himself of the amount he needs to take. 

_ Maybe you should just take them all. _

His vision blurs slightly, his tunnel vision getting worse. “F-Fuck….” He tilts the bottle and shakes it slightly to get some pills out. “I can’t tell…. How many are there?” 

_ Does it really even matter? _

Yuuri can’t feel his hands well, but figures that there must be somewhere around the right amount, all he can see is a blur of white on his hand. 

Yuuri grasps the empty cup on the countertop. He fills it with water from the sink and tosses the pills in his mouth before swallowing them down.

Makkachin barks softly from the doorway of the bathroom.

Yuuri gasps for air before choosing to sit down on the cold, tiled floor. He closes his eyes and waits for the medication to work.

 

Viktor sits down on a bench within the ice rink, listening to Yurio continuing to scold him.

“You’re lucky he slapped you and not me, because I wouldn’t have stopped! You would be stuck with a black eye and a bloody nose if I was the one who did it.” Yurio paces back and forth in front of Viktor. 

Viktor mutes Yurio’s talking as he thinks of what just happened.

Yuuri, his apparent fiancé, just slapped him a few minutes ago because he said he didn’t love Yuuri. 

Viktor feels mad, pissed even.  _ How dare he be mad at me for not loving him! I don’t even know him and he expects me to love him!? _ No, Viktor isn’t mad, he is absolutely distraught. Of course, Viktor feels bad for Yuuri, but Viktor shouldn’t have to suffer for a stranger to be happy.

Yurio lightly slaps the side of Viktor’s face. “I’m not done with you yet! So, you really think-”

Viktor is hit with a sudden migraine. “Shut up….”  _ You’re so loud. _

“You don’t have the  _ right _ to tell me to shut up-”

Viktor groans loudly. “ _ Shut up! _ You’re so  _ loud! _ ” He clutches the sides of his head and leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. His head pulses with pain.

“Fuck you! I will shut up when I am don-”

“AGH!” Viktor jerks forward and convulses in overwhelming pain. 

Everyone turns their attention to Viktor. 

“Hey, Viktor, are you oka-”

“I’m leaving!” Viktor yells at them, his migraine finally calming once Yurio stopped yelling at him.

Viktor storms out of the building. 

 

Yuuri stares tiredly at the ceiling.  _ I’m not supposed to be this tired. _

_ Maybe you can finally die. You’ve thought of it before. _

Yuuri’s anxiety runs through his mind, no longer being able to affect him physically. 

Makkachin lays next to Yuuri, whimpering sadly. 

Yuuri runs his fingers through Makkachin’s fur. “M-Makkachin, I th-think that I to-took too many. I m-might not be okay.” Yuuri would be scared, terrified even, but the medication forces him to relax.

Small tears manage to escape his eyes and he draws in a shaky breath.  _ I really messed up. So badly. _

Yuuri turns himself into his side and sniffles quietly. 

Makkachin’s head snaps to the direction of the front door.

Yuuri pays no attention to it and closes his eyes.

The door slams open. “Yuuri!”

“Hm…?” Yuuri weakly opens his eyes. “Viktor?” Yuuri weakly whispers.

“Yuuri! I need to talk to you! I want to apologize for my behavior!” Viktor’s loud footsteps can be heard echoing through the house. His words are rushed like he is out of breath. Viktor runs past the bathroom door, frantically looking for Yuuri.

“Viktor….”

Makkachin barks loudly, but remains at Yuuri’s side.

Viktor doubles back and slides a little as he stops in his tracks. “Yuuri?” Viktor takes a cautious step toward Yuuri. “Y-Yuuri?” He runs to Yuuri’s side and looks around frantically. “Oh my God, are you okay!?” Viktor’s eyes land on the completely empty bottle of pills. His hand flies to grab it. “How many did you take!?”

Viktor tosses the bottle to some forgotten corner. “What did you do, Yuuri!?” He panics and pulls Yuuri up to rest his head against his chest. Viktor pets Yuuri’s hair softly. 

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri cries a little harder, not nearly as hard as Viktor is. He opens his eyes and looks straight into Viktor’s. At that moment, Yuuri realizes what is going on. _ I’ve ruined everything. _ “I’m so sorry.” 

Viktor’s eyes widen. “No! Y-You did nothing wrong! I’m gonna make sure that you will be okay, okay?” He holds Yuuri closer and a few stray tears run down his cheek.

Yuuri smiles faintly and closes his eyes again.

“NO! Don’t fall asleep! I’m gonna call an ambulance, but you can’t fall asleep!” Loud sobs come from Viktor as he brushes the hair out of Yuuri’s face. “I’m s-so sorry for h-how mean I w-was, but  _ please _ don’t die!” Viktor reaches for his phone in his back pocket. He fumbles with it and dials 112.

Yuuri hears Viktor’s faint, frantic speaking.  _ I’m so tired. _ It is getting exponentially harder for Yuuri to keep his eyes open. Yuuri closes his eyes one final time, smiling at the faint warmth engulfing him.


	8. Forgotten and Remembered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is brought to the hospital and Viktor has to wait for him to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter really delves into Viktor's thoughts and what he is thinking about all of this. People were saying that they hated Viktor and I just couldn't let it go on. Viktor is also a victim here and he was shot, lost his memory, and went through emotional shock.

“Please, my fia- my friend, he- he just took a  _ lot  _ of pills and I-I don’t know what to do.” Viktor holds onto Yuuri as he speaks broken Russian into the telephone. 

“Okay, we have an ambulance on the way to your address. Did he do it as a suicide attempt?” A female’s voice asks on the other end of the phone.

“I don’t know! He doesn’t seem like he w-would do that!” Viktor glances down at Yuuri.

“Okay, is he awa-”

“YUURI! W-Wake up! Open your eyes!” Viktor lightly taps the side of Yuuri’s face with his palm.  _ Please, wake up! _ “He isn’t awake!”

“Try to wake him up.”

“He isn’t waking up!” Viktor shakes Yuuri with both hands and holds the phone to his ear with his shoulder. “What do I do!?”

“Is he breathing?”

Viktor pulls away the phone and lays Yuuri on his back. He leans forward and hovers his ear above Yuuri’s mouth. A soft puff of air washes Viktor with relief. Viktor quickly picks up the phone. “Yeah, yeah, he’s breathing.” Small tears of relief fill Viktor’s eyes.  _ Did I cause this? _ “When is the ambulance getting here?”

“They are almost at your location.” 

“What am I supposed to do?” Viktor doesn’t want to just sit there and hope that Yuuri doesn’t die. Viktor may not have any feelings for Yuuri, but he certainly doesn’t want him to die. His heart was racing, adrenaline running through him. 

A sudden, rapid knock on the door alerts Viktor.

“It’s unlocked! We’re in the bathroom!” Viktor yells as loud as he can and keeps his eyes on Yuuri.

“Sir, are they there?”

“Yes! Yes, they are here!” Viktor cries out in relief as he hears people rush into the house.

He hears the woman give a short goodbye before he hangs up the phone.

The paramedics rush into the bathroom and one pulls Viktor off of Yuuri. Several circle around Yuuri and begin taking his pulse and checking his stability. “Sir, how long has he been unconscious?”

“I-I don’t know! Five minutes? Maybe ten?” Viktor backs away, not wanting to distract the paramedics.

A paramedic with pitch black hair, just like Yuuri’s turns to another. “His pulse is low. We need to leave now.”

“Is he… going to be okay?” Viktor calls out in concern.

 

Viktor sits in Yuuri’s hospital room, idly swiping through the messages on his phone. Yuuri became stable not too long ago. He had managed to contact Yurio and Yakov and is now waiting for either of them to arrive. 

Yuuri is laying on the bed, unconscious, with various machines hooked to him. Even though the doctors had pumped his stomach and gotten him stable, he isn’t expected to wake up for a few more hours.

Viktor hears someone’s footsteps reach the doorway of the room. He turns his head to glance at them absent-mindedly, expecting a doctor or nurse to be checking on him.

Yurio stands in the doorway with his grandfather beside him. Yurio looks noticeably distressed, his green eyes wide with concern. “Is he okay?” Yurio whispers in Russian, just loud enough for Viktor to hear.

“The doctors said he should be fine, but they want to watch him for the next few days,” Viktor responds in Russian and puts his phone in his pocket, standing up from his chair. He walks to the side of Yuuri’s bed.

Yurio nods and pulls a chair from against the wall and drags it to the side of Yuuri’s bed. “What even happened? I got your text, but it didn’t say much.” Yurio sits down and stares at the many tubes and wires attached to Yuuri.

Yurio’s grandfather walks up to stand behind Yurio. He places a comforting hand on Yurio’s shoulder. “The second Yuratchka got your text, he practically begged me to take him to the hospital to see Yuuri. He was rather worried.” The wrinkles in the corners of his eyes scrunch up while he laughs heartily.

Viktor gives a small chuckle at Yurio’s grandfather’s comment. “Really?”

Yurio blushes madly and grimaces. “What!? No! I did  _ not _ do that!” Yurio exclaims in a failed attempt to appear passive on this issue.

“Well, if you are really that worried, Yuuri overdosed on his medication; a sedative, I think.” Viktor is concerned about Yuuri, but he isn’t one to outwardly express his emotions. 

A similar noise of affirmation come from both Yurio and his grandfather.

“So, he was… trying to commit suicide?” Yurio asks with a slight shake in his voice. He keeps a straight face, but he is more than worried for Yuuri. He is scared. 

“I wish I knew,” Viktor informs, almost no concern lacing his features.

_ He should be devastated. He should not look so composed while Yuuri is recovering from a suicide attempt.  _ It may seem like Yurio hates Yuuri, but Yuuri is one of the only people in Yurio’s life who treats him like an equal; not a skater, who is higher than him, or angsty teen, who is below him, but an equal.  _ If he tried to commit suicide, then…. _ “It’s your fault, isn’t it?”

“Yuratchka-”

“No! He should have  _ known _ how fragile Yuuri’s emotions are,” Yurio reasons to his grandfather.

“How could I have  _ known? _ ” Viktor inquires with an accusing tone. Viktor had no idea of how Yuuri would react to it. But he also had no idea that he had a fiance until just a few days ago. Yuuri was nice to him and Viktor appreciated that to no extent, but Viktor doesn’t know him at all. The only thing he has to go by was what Yuuri and everyone else had told him as well as the photos. He knows from the pictures that he probably did love Yuuri, since he had his ridiculous heart-shaped smile in each of them, not forced. It was natural. 

Yurio growls lowly before taking a breath, not wanting to snap in front of his grandfather. “Isn’t it obvious? He has been a  _ wreck _ this entire time. I have never seen him be so  _ unstable. _ ”

Viktor grumbles, about to rudely retort. He sighs deeply. “I’m bad with people’s emotions. I just thought that he normally cried a lot.” Viktor did. He really thought that Yuuri was naturally over emotional.  

“Yuratchka, don’t be rude to him.” Yurio’s grandfather leans down and whispers into Yurio’s ear. “He is hurt. Try not to be too rough.” He straightens his stance and clears his throat. “Well, I’ll be back to pick you up in what? An hour? You probably don’t want your old grandpa to be intruding on your time.” 

Yurio frowns slightly. “Okay, grandpa, I’ll see you then.” Yurio smiles and waves to his grandfather as he walks out of the door and down the hallway.  Yurio waits until his grandfather is out of earshot and quickly drops his smile, turning to Viktor. “You.” Yurio points a finger toward Viktor’s face. “When Yuuri wakes up, you are going to apologize to him for being and ass.”

“I already have,” Viktor confessed. 

“Yeah? Well, you need to do it again, because the first time obviously wasn’t enough.” Yurio demands. He knows how much Viktor sucks at apologies in general. “You suck at apologizing, so you need to do it again.”

Viktor knows he should apologize to Yuuri again. He really does suck. “I know. When he wakes up, I will.”

Yurio is slightly shocked,not having expected Viktor to show no resistance. “Good. You need to grovel.”

“I know.”   
“And you need to do something nice for him.”

“I know.” 

“Then you need to apologize again.”

“Mhmm.”

Yurio looks at Yuuri’s pale face and huffs. “I can’t believe he did this.”

Viktor nods, keeping his eyes on the floor. 

“I mean, I knew he was depressed, that much is obvious, but he… he isn’t the type of person who would do this. Not if there was even a sliver of hope that you would get your memories back.” Yurio leans back in his chair.

Viktor feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He takes it out and notices several messages from Yakov. Viktor stands up and slowly walks away. “I got a few messages and the signal in here sucks. I’ll be outside for a few minutes.” 

Yurio snickers. “Yeah,” He waves Viktor off sarcastically, “Don’t let me stop you,” Yurio grumbles.  

 

Viktor stands outside of the hospital in the freezing Russian air. He called Yakov rather than texting him. “Yeah, he’s okay.” Viktor carries on the basic conversation with Yakov, giving small responses. He feels another vibration of his phone. “Um, Yakov? I’m getting another call. I call you back later.”

Viktor ends the call and looks at the screen. “Yurio? Who is Yur-  _ oh! _ It’s Yuri!” Viktor answers the call and presses it against his ear. “Yuri?”

“Viktor,” Yurio responds from the other end. “Yuuri woke up, you… you might want to come see this.” 

Without another word, Yurio hangs up and Viktor rushes to Yuuri’s hospital room on the upper floors. 

Yurio is standing at the corner before Yuuri’s room. 

Viktor doesn’t stop to talk to Yurio even as he tries to stop Viktor. He turns the corner and stops in the doorway of Yuuri’s room.

Viktor’s blue eyes meet Yuuri’s brown eyes. 

Everything hits Viktor like freight train. All of his memories,the shooting, his emotions, and  _ Yuuri. _ How much he loves Yuuri. How scared he should have been that Yuuri could have died. How angry he is at himself for letting Yuuri cry so much. How… scared he was that he would die when he was shot.

Viktor has silent tears rushing down his face, being completely overcome with emotion.

He doesn’t know whether to smile or to cry. He was so mean to Yuuri. He was… terrible.

Relief hits Viktor unlike any before. Yuuri is okay. He woke up. He didn’t actually manage to commit…  _ suicide. _

Viktor deeply inhales. “Yuuri! You’re awake!” Viktor doesn’t sound like himself, his voice slightly wavering. He doesn’t move from his spot at the door.

Yuuri squints and quirks his head to the side.

  
“Who are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I had to do this.


	9. Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for having to do this to you guys.

Viktor’s heart stops. “Wh-What?” Viktor asks in a voice that is unlike his own.

“Who are you?” Yuuri squints his eyes again, looking Viktor up and down.

Viktor’s hand clamps over his mouth and his eyes grow wide with shock.  _ What is he saying!? He… He knows me! _ The entire scene hits Viktor. Only one word comes to his mind.

Karma.

Viktor spins on his heel and dashes down the hallway, his eyes flooding with tears.  _ Oh my God, he doesn’t remember me! _

Yurio notices Viktor running and quickly grabs his arm to stop him from running. He hadn’t been able to talk to Yuuri since the doctors wanted to see him the second he woke up. “Viktor, what’s wrong?” Yurio’s green eyes are filled with an unknowing curiosity. The look on Viktor’s face tells him everything.  _ Viktor remembers. _ “Did you- Did you remember?”

Viktor bites his lip and nods with saddened eyes. 

Yurio smiles briefly. “That’s awesome! But why are you sad?” 

Viktor looks to the floor and blinks away a tear. “Yuuri asked who I am….” Viktor’s voice cracks on the last word. His expression doesn’t change even though he is crying.

Yurio is shocked by the tears running down Viktor’s face.  _ I’ve never seen him cry like this. _ “That… can’t be right,” Yurio consoles. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his dark hoodie. “Are you sure?”

Viktor nods.

“I’ll go talk to him. You stay here.” Without another word from either of them, Yurio walks toward Yuuri’s room.

Viktor is tempted to stay, but if Yuuri truly forgot him, he can’t stay. He turns, his hand running through his platinum hair, and enters the elevator to leave the hospital.

 

Viktor enters his and Yuuri’s home and closes the door shut. He instantly falls to the ground and rests his back against the door. 

Makkachin comes running up to him, leaning his head for Viktor to pat. 

Viktor stares at the floor with a dark expression, but runs his fingers through Makkachin’s brown fur anyway. He thinks of everything. “I hurt Yuuri,” Viktor whispers to himself. “I made him cry and I pushed him too far and then, he tried to k-kill hims-self and- and now, God i-is pun-ishing me!” Viktor’s voice is filled with grief and self-hatred. 

Makkachin shuffles over and lays on Viktor’s lap. 

“H-How could I  _ do that!? _ ” Viktor hoarsely whispers in disbelief. What he had done was so unlike himself. He isn’t usually so brash and bad-tempered. He hasn’t lost control of his emotions since… since…  _ ever. _

Viktor hates himself. He knows he deserves all of this. He knows that even if Yuuri were to remember… “He’ll never forgive me, Makkachin.” Viktor honestly believes that he doesn’t deserve anything but agony after what he had done to Yuuri.  _ I don’t deserve to be happy. _

Viktor’s phone starts ringing loudly. 

Viktor jumps at the loud noise, panicking for a short moment. He realizes that it is his phone and fumbles to get it out of his pocket. Viktor looks at the contact for a moment. “Yurio….”

He reluctantly answers. 

“Viktor,” Yurio says calmly. “Get the fuck back to the hospital.”

Viktor sits in complete silence for a moment. “I can’t.”

“Viktor, get. Down. Here. Now,” Yurio insists. 

“I-... fine. I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” Viktor sighs in defeat.

Viktor nudges Makkachin off of his lap and stands up, dreading having to go to the hospital. A sickening chill runs through him.  _ How would Yuuri remember me? Would he just remember me as a skater? _ “God, I don’t even know anymore,” Viktor shakes his head.

 

Viktor stands just before the elevator he has to take to reach Yuuri’s floor. He knows that people are walking around, the occasional person whispering about his fame to a friend, but Viktor can’t hear any of it.  _ I’m not ready.  _ Viktor steps into the elevator once the doors open and presses the button to Yuuri’s floor. 

Nobody else is on the elevator. No one to see the tears of anxiety gathering in his eyes. His stomach feels like a pit. His throat is tight and dry.  _ I don’t want to see Yuuri and have all of this be real. _ The second he sees Yuuri, he will have to accept his new reality. He will have to accept that Yuuri doesn’t know who he is. 

The ding of the elevator breaks Viktor from his thoughts.

Within a few seconds of walking, Viktor is at the side of the door to Yuuri’s room. He stands there for what seems like an eternity.  _ I should just turn back, that would be best. _ Viktor shakes the thought from his head. He isn’t going to run away from Yuuri. Not again.

With a shaky breath of encouragement, Viktor turns to stand in the doorway. 

Yurio isn’t in the room.

_ Did he go somewhere? _

Yuuri is reading a random magazine that he probably can’t understand since it is in Russian. 

“Y-Yuuri?” Viktor calls out meekly, terrified really.

Yuuri looks up from the magazine with curious eyes. “Huh?”

_ He really doesn’t remember me. _

Viktor walks closer, nervousness wracking his entire body. He stands at the foot of Yuuri’s bed with an anxious expression. “Hi… Yuuri.”

“Viktor!?” Yuuri exclaims with unsure excitement.

_ So he does remember me, but he doesn’t  _ remember _ me. _ “Uh… yeah?” Viktor isn’t sure how to process the feeling running through him like a wave of coldness. 

“Wait, like  _ Viktor _ Viktor?” Yuuri has a bright smile on his face.

Viktor sighs. “Mhm, Viktor Nikiforov.” Viktor stays where he is standing.

“Really!?” Yuuri exclaims with eyes of disbelief. “This is… This is…. Wow. I’ve been- Oh, thank God.” Yuuri runs a hand through his raven hair and smiles unbelievably wide.

“What?”  _ That’s unexpected. _ Viktor is still trying to gauge what Yuuri remembers. 

Small tears enter Yuuri’s eyes, but his expression doesn’t match. He looks much too happy. “Well, I’ve been waiting for- hold on, do you have my glasses? I can’t find them anywhere.”

_ Why would he think that I have his glasses? _ Viktor does have the glasses in question, but he needs to know first. “What did you say?” 

“Well, you  _ are _ the one who called the ambulance, right? I mean, you’re better now. You  _ do _ remember, r-right?” Yuuri’s tone drops to one of concern. He thinks he may have been misguided, maybe Viktor doesn’t remember.

“W-Wait, you remember me?” Viktor asks in near relief. 

Yuuri smiles, realizing he was right. “Of course, I do!” Yuuri nods his head, small tears of happiness welling up inside. “Do  _ you _ remember me?”

Viktor chokes on his words, overcome with joy. “Y-Yes! I remember you!” 

Viktor and Yuuri stare at each other for a moment, each coming to realize the other’s remembrance.

Viktor breaks the sweet silence first. He opens his mouth to speak, but Yurio speaks up from behind him. 

“There you are. I was trying to get you to come here. Yuuri didn’t have memory loss in the first place, he just doesn’t have his glasses because  _ you _ have them.” Yurio points at Viktor’s pocket. “He couldn’t see you well from where you were standing.”

Viktor almost dies from feeling like a complete idiot. He looks into Yuuri’s eyes. “Really?”

“Mhm. Do you  _ really _ remember m-me?” Yuuri has larger tears welling in his eyes, obviously overcome with emotion.

Viktor nods vigorously. 

Yuuri gives a small laugh of relief before breaking down into tears of happiness. “O-Oh my God! I-I’m s-so- so-”

Viktor’s eyes soften. He walks up to the quaking Yuuri and sits on the edge of the bed next to him. His arms wrap around Yuuri and hold him tight, tighter than Viktor had ever held him before. Viktor closes his eyes and runs a finger up and down Yuuri’s back. “I- I am  _ so _ sorry for how I was towards you. I should have known and then you- you tried committing s-sui-cide!” Viktor weeps silently on Yuuri’s shoulder.

Yuuri leans into Viktor and sobs and laughs from relief.  _ It’s over! He’s back! _ “I would n-never t-try to commit suicide!”

“What?” Viktor pulls away slightly, still holding Yuuri’s shoulders. “But you overdosed on your anxiety meds.”

Yuuri’s eyes darken a little. “I- uh- I was having a panic attack and I… couldn’t see how many I was taking. Heh heh?” Yuuri’s eyes squint with his nervous smile.

Viktor would scream at Yuuri for being an idiot, be enraged, but Viktor is much too happy right now. His Yuuri is alive and well. That’s all that matters. “You  _ scared _ me, idiot!” 

Viktor and Yuuri both laugh in happiness and the aftershock of fear. 

The entire scene is pure, both Yuuri and Viktor clinging to each other like they may lose one another if they ever let go.

Yurio stands awkwardly at the doorway. He has a small smile on his face. Yurio has been missing how happy Yuuri and Viktor are with each other. They seemed empty without each other’s support, but neither seemed to really notice it. Yurio glances around and is just about to leave to give Yuuri and Viktor much needed alone time.

Yuuri notices Yurio looking as though he is about to walk out. “Yurio, wait, come over here.” Yuuri waves Yurio over.

Viktor pulls away slightly and turns his head to Yurio.

Yurio slowly walks up to the both of them, resting just a few feet away from the side of the bed. 

Yuuri leans over and pulls Yurio into a hug in a flash. 

Yurio cries out in alarm and attempts to pull himself away from Yuuri. 

“Thank you, Yurio,” Yuuri whispers sincerely. 

Yurio huffs in defeat and grumbles, “What are you talking about?”

“For staying with me all of those nights.”

Yurio chuckles. “No problem, Katsudon. You had those night terrors and they  _ were _ violent.” Yurio speaks regretfully at the bad memories.

Viktor joins in the hug, leaning his head against Yuuri’s shoulder. “Thank you, Yurio.”

Yurio laughs nervously and his laughter slowly turns into small sniffles. He hugs closer to Yuuri. “Y-You fucking i-idiot!” 

Yuuri’s face changes to one of shock and confusion. ‘Is he okay?’ Yuuri mouths to Viktor.

Viktor shrugs his shoulders, just as confused as Yuuri.

“I th-thought that you a-actually tr-ied to k-ill your-self!” Yurio scolds, trying to sound threatening, but fails due to the cracks in his voice. 

Yuuri’s heart melts, his mind going into protective mom mode. “Oh, Yurio, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” He runs his hand comfortingly through Yurio’s hair.

“Don’t yo-u  _ ever _ do that a-again!” Yurio wraps his arms around himself and cries quietly, silent sobs leaving him. The past few weeks had been Hell for Yurio’s emotional state. He had spent almost every night staying at Yuuri and Viktor’s house to make sure that Yuuri wouldn’t hurt himself while he slept and after all he had done, he almost lost Yuuri. 

“I won’t. I won’t,” Yuuri consoles. He knows how hard this must be for Yurio for him to be crying in front of anybody. 

Yurio’s phone rings, stopping the tears in his eyes. He wiggles out of Yuuri and Viktor’s hug and stands up off of the bed. He answers the call and nods his head, muttering a few words in Russian. He turns back to Viktor and Yuuri, hanging up the call. “My grandpa is here. I should got outside to meet him. His back isn’t what it used to be. Hehehe….” Yurio waves to the both of them while jogging down the hallway, obviously rushing to meet his grandfather.

“Goodbye, Yurio!” Viktor and Yuuri both call out.

“I feel bad,” Yuuri solemnly whispers.

“Why? I’m the one who should feel bad!” Viktor exclaims lightly, trying to change the tenor of the conversation.

“I don’t think he actually slept those nights. He just stayed up on the couch and waited to hear me screaming.” Yuuri rubs the back of his neck while stretching. “My night terrors were violent, too. I gave Georgi a bruise on his arm and scratched Mila and I-”

Viktor stops Yuuri’s rambling with a finger pressed to his lips. “No. I know we have a lot to talk about.”

Yuuri nods once.

“And we  _ will _ talk about them.”

Yuuri nods again, looking straight into Viktor’s blue eyes.

“But right now, we are both emotionally and physically tired.”

Yuuri smiles weakly. He knows it all too well.

“How about we relax and cuddle until we get back home?” Viktor suggests with a smile of hope and adoration for Yuuri.

Yuuri melts in Viktor’s eyes and hums in approval. “Yeah… that would be nice.” Yuuri tears up a little, happiness and relief running through him.

Viktor hugs Yuuri and lays down on the bed with him, completely in bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, so sorry.   
> I started to plan out the epilogue and realized that the aftermath of all of this is too much for one chapter, so expect 2-4 more chapters.


	10. Illness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yuuri return home from the hospital.

“Viktor?” Yuuri pokes at the sleeping Viktor’s forehead. His stomach grumbles loudly and the many machines hooked up to him beep rhythmically. “Viktor, wake up, I’m hungry.” Viktor has his legs tangled with Yuuri’s and his head resting just over Yuuri’s heart. Yuuri lightly pokes Viktor’s cheek, letting it linger there for a moment. “Viktor~!” Yuuri whines playfully.

Viktor groans and lazily swats away Yuuri’s hand. “No,” Viktor states, clearly not having been asleep.

“Please? I need to _eat~!_ ” Yuuri giggles lightly under his breath. Oh, how he missed being like this. Being able to hold Viktor and laugh.

“Hmph!” Viktor stifles a laugh. “Weren’t you worried about getting fat just yesterday? You told me yourself,” Viktor teases.

“ _Vitya~!_ ” Yuuri exclaims. “I need to eat or I’m going to _die!_ ” Yuuri jokes. He begins lightly pushing at Viktor’s shoulder, trying to push him off of himself. “Do you not hear my stomach!?”

Viktor grumbles and lifts his head. “Call me that again.”

“Huh?” Yuuri tilts his head a little.

“Call me that again. ‘Vitya, my lovely fiancé, please get me some food because you are amazing and the most _handsome_ man alive.’ Say that, and I will get up and get you _anything_ you want from the cafeteria.” Viktor smirks with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Yuuri snorts and bites his lip to hold in the laugh. Viktor’s blue eyes are filled with a certain happiness that Yuuri hasn’t seen in weeks. “Fat chance.”

Viktor keeps eye contact and pokes at Yuuri’s stomach that is covered in a small layer of chub. “And fat isn’t what you are going to be getting if you don’t say it.” Viktor pushes himself up to peck Yuuri’s cheek. He closes his eyes and nuzzles Yuuri’s cheek with his nose. “Say. It.”

Yuuri’s eye closes instinctively. “No.”

“Hm?” Viktor hums at Yuuri’s stubbornness. He is happy that Yuuri is still able to laugh and be comfortable around him, even after all he has done.

“Ugh! _Fine!_ ” Yuuri caves. He takes a deep breath, getting ready for his lengthy speech. “ _Vitya,_ my lovely fiancé, please get me some food because you are amazing and the most _annoying_ man alive!” Yuuri quickly rambles. He laughs loudly at the shocked face that Viktor makes.

Viktor stands up with an exaggerated grunt. He leans down and presses a chaste kiss against Yuuri’s lips. “Close enough. What do you want?”

Yuuri shrinks a little from the endearing gesture. “Surprise me,” Yuuri lightly informs. He knows about the eventual conversation that they will have to have, but both of them are too happy to finally be together to care.

Viktor walks off with a small smile, walking down the hall.

Yuuri waves him off. “Thank God he is okay.”

The way Viktor is able to walk, talk, and act so happily after all of this. Yuuri is surprised. This behavior is unusual for someone who just got their memory of being shot back. _Maybe Viktor doesn’t remember._ Well, Yuuri hopes he doesn’t. If it was even half as bad for Viktor as it was for Yuuri, it won’t go well. Yuuri knows it won’t.

Minutes pass by, making Yuuri more and more bored with each one that passes. He has no idea where his phone is, guessing that it is somewhere at home where it was left when he was brought to the hospital after- _Did Viktor remember me when that happened? Oh, Go-_

“Yuuri! I have food!” Viktor rushes over to the bed and sits down on the side. He places the tray on Yuuri’s flat legs. “I got you a… uh, I have no idea what this is. I have never heard of this, but it looks good.” Viktor points at the plate of food and laughs nervously.

Yuuri smiles warmly and nods. “I bet it is.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water, I figured that would be good for you.” Viktor picks up another plate of food that Yuuri just noticed. He begins eating it.

“What did you get for yourself?”

Viktor shrugs his shoulders. “The same as you.”

Yuuri eats his food as well, taking it slow considering he feels tired. “This is nice,” Yuuri absent-mindedly comments. “Especially since the last time we ate together, you were-”

“Nope,” Viktor sternly states while pressing a finger against Yuuri’s lips. “No negativity. We will talk about it later.”

“O-Okay.” Yuuri realizes what he was about to say. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

 

“Yuuri, are you sure that you are ready to leave today? Do you want to stay another day to be sure?” Viktor nervously suggests.

Yuuri puts on his jacket and buttons it. “I’m fine, Viktor. The doctor said I can leave today, and the hospital food is only nice for so long.” Yuuri walks up to Viktor and caresses his cheek. “I’m fine, I promise.”

Viktor places his hand over Yuuri’s. “But it has only been one day! What if we get home and you-”

Yuuri looks directly into Viktor’s eyes. “I will be _fine._ Nothing bad will happen.”

Viktor sighs in defeat and grumbles. “Okay. Okay. But you aren’t going _anywhere_ but the couch when we get home.” Worry and concern are obvious within Viktor’s blue eyes.

Yuuri understands and even enjoys Viktor’s concern for his well-being. It is so much nicer than how it was before.

“Of course,” Yuuri responds with a light tone. “I hope that you are going to cook for me?” Yuuri asks rather than states.

Viktor smiles in victory. “Yes, I am going to cook you amazing food!” Viktor takes Yuuri’s hand and they walk over to the elevator.

 

Yuuri walks out to the car, looking around with confusion. “There isn’t any press?”

“No,” Viktor responds. “I managed to keep your hospitalization secret. I wouldn’t want the vultures to eat at you before I can,” Viktor muses with a small wiggle of his eyebrows.

Yuuri blushes. “You have absolutely no shame, do you?” He slides onto his seat in the car.

Viktor enters the driver’s seat and closes his door loudly. “Nope, I want the world to know that I regularly get a piece of that.” Viktor nods towards Yuuri and keeps a straight face.

Yuuri gives a small snort. “No, you don’t. We haven’t had sex yet,” Yuuri points out. Once, when a make out session got a little heated, Yuuri somewhat clammed up. After a few minutes of talking and explaining, Yuuri and Viktor came to the decision to wait until marriage to have sex. Viktor was very understanding about Yuuri’s personal decision.

Viktor buckles his seatbelt and starts the car. “Yes, but they don’t know that.” With a suggestive grin toward Yuuri, he drives out of the parking area and makes his way home.

 

Yuuri opens the door for Viktor and walks in after him, sighing at the warmth. “Man, I missed home.” Yuuri slips off his jacket and kicks off his shoes.

Viktor copies Yuuri’s actions.

Yuuri walks down the hallway towards their bedroom. A hand is placed on Yuuri’s shoulder and spins him around.

“Nope. On the couch,” Viktor sternly commands.

Yuuri rolls his eyes sarcastically, but complies, allowing Viktor to walk him into the living room and onto the couch. When Viktor starts to walk into the kitchen, Yuuri drapes himself over the side of the couch. “Viktor~! I can’t just stay in here _alone!_ Come sit with me!” Yuuri suggests.

“Do you _want_ food?” Viktor retorts.

Yuuri grumbles. “Fine. You win.”

Viktor enters the kitchen.

Yuuri can only hear the occasional noise of movement as Viktor rummages around the kitchen. He stares at the ceiling in pure boredom. “What are you making?” Yuuri calls out, desperate for any form of entertainment.

“Katsudon,” Viktor quickly responds.

“Really!?” Yuuri exclaims in confusion and excitement. “I thought we ran out of the ingredients!”

“Nope! _I_ bought some yesterday while you were sleeping,” Viktor states with an air of achievement.

Yuuri lays down on the couch with a small sigh. “You are the _best!_ ”

“Well, I thought you deser-”

A loud clang comes from the kitchen, interrupting Viktor.

Yuuri waits a moment, fully expecting Viktor to continue.

But he doesn’t.

“Viktor?” Yuuri curiously calls out.

No response.

“Viktor?” Yuuri is becoming concerned by Viktor’s silence.

Nothing.

“Viktor!?” Yuuri vaults himself over the side of the couch and runs into the kitchen.

He can’t see Viktor.

Yuuri frantically looks around. _Did something happen to him?_ “Viktor, where are y-” Yuuri turns the corner of the island to see Viktor sitting up against the counter with his legs curled up against his chest and his hand covering his mouth.

Viktor stares at the pot on the ground with wide, shocked, teary eyes. His breathing is loud and forced.

“Oh my God,” Yuuri whispers below his breath. “Viktor? Are- Are you okay?” Yuuri knows that Viktor is not okay, but doesn’t want to risk doing anything to make it worse.

Viktor’s gaze snaps toward Yuuri as though he hadn’t noticed Yuuri before. “Yuuri?” He whispers out, his voice trembling. He is breathing deeply and fast. “Y-Yuuri, I was j-just getting the - hngh!- a-and then, I dropped it and- and-!” Viktor struggles to breathe.

Yuuri notices Viktor hyperventilating and drops to his knees next to Viktor. He has no idea what is happening or what to do about it. All he can do is try not to panic himself. “Viktor, you need to breathe.”

“I can’t! I can’t!” Viktor shakes his head and hyperventilates harder, tears streaming down his face.

_A… panic attack?_ Viktor has never had any anxiety or panic issues before, so this shocks Yuuri. He mentally runs through what he needs to do and in what order. First, he needs to get Viktor to breathe. “Viktor, you’re panicking. You need to breathe with me, okay?” Yuuri takes Viktor’s hand in his and squeezes it gently.

Viktor looks up at Yuuri with terrified eyes.

“I know it’s scary, but you’re okay. This is new and scary, but you are _fine,_ ” Yuuri reasons. He looks directly into Viktor’s eyes. “Now breathe with me. Okay?”

Viktor keeps his eyes on Yuuri as he slowly nods his head.

Yuuri smiles and nods in an encouraging manner. “Good, very good. Ready?”

Viktor nods.

“In for three.” Yuuri inhales slowly.

Viktor inhales for two seconds, but his breath hitches and he whimpers. “I-I’m s-sor-ry!”

Yuuri knows that this must be terrifying for Viktor, especially since he has never had anything close to a panic attack. “It’s okay. Let’s try again. In for three.”

Viktor manages to completely inhale with slight difficulty.

Yuuri, very proud of Viktor being able to do this, squeezes Viktor’s hand. “Hold for three.”

Viktor holds his breath, not moving his eyes from Yuuri.

“And out for three.” Yuuri blows out an audible puff of breath.

Viktor shakily exhales.

Yuuri kisses Viktor’s forehead and runs his thumb back and forth over Viktor’s hand. “Great. You are doing _amazing._ Now, try doing it on your own.”

Viktor’s breath is still erratic, but significantly more stable than it was before.

After a few breaths, Yuuri decides that he needs to get Viktor off of the floor. “Viktor, can you stand?” Internally, Yuuri is terrified. Viktor, his always confident, always stable fiancé, is trembling before him, looking completely terrified and vulnerable and Yuuri is completely terrified.

Viktor nods slowly. “Y-Yeah….”

Yuuri stands up and holds a hand out for Viktor.

Viktor takes the hand and hoists himself up. His eyes dart around the kitchen and he holds tightly onto Yuuri’s hand.

Yuuri guides Viktor to the living room quickly and has him sit down. “Viktor, I’m going to get you some Benadryl, okay?” Yuuri turns to rush to the bathroom.

Viktor grips Yuuri’s hand, not wanting him to leave. “Pl-ease, d-don’t leave m-me again!”

Yuuri looks back at Viktor with sad eyes. _Is that why he…?_

“Please! I-I n-need you!” Viktor begins sobbing as he begs Yuuri not to leave.

“Viktor,” Yuuri says compassionately, “I need to get you so-”

Viktor lurches forward, almost standing, but still sitting. “I’m s-scared, Yuuri! P-Pl-ease!”

Yuuri wants so badly to give in and hold Viktor, but Viktor needs something to calm himself down and Yuuri isn’t that something. “Please, Viktor, I will be right back, I promise.” Yuuri tries harder and harder to keep his resolve. A sudden idea hits Yuuri. He whistles quietly. “Makkachin! Come here, boy!”

Makkachin runs into the living room with his usual liveliness.

Yuuri pats his knee and motions his head for Makkachin to get up on the couch.

Viktor is distracted by Makkachin jumping onto the couch and licking his face. “Wh-Wha- haha-hic-ha!” Viktor laughs with small, interrupting sobs. He lets go of Yuuri’s hand and hugs Makkachin, smiling weakly as Makkachin assaults his face with kisses.

Yuuri is more than relieved that Viktor is distracted for a moment. He slips away into the bathroom and rummages through the medicine cabinet. He snatches the small bottle of Benadryl. Yuuri looks at himself in the mirror, giving himself a moment to readjust himself. “You can do this. You can do this,” Yuuri tries to convince himself, but it hardly works. Once composed, he rushes back to Viktor, holding two pills in his hand.

Viktor is now hugging Makkachin tightly with his face buried into Makkachin’s brown fur. By the movement of his shoulders, Yuuri can tell that Viktor is silently weeping.

“Vitya? I have the medicine.” Yuuri carefully approaches Viktor and Makkachin. He makes sure his movements are small and subtle. Yuuri uses his nickname for Viktor, knowing that something familiar and comforting may calm Viktor if only a little.

Viktor slowly looks at Yuuri with eyes filled with something between fear and familiarity.  “Y-Yuuri,” Viktor almost sighs. His voice is tight and holds evidence of tears within it.

Yuuri smiles and barely nods his head. “Vitya, I want you to take these, okay? Trust me, it helps.”

Viktor shakes his head and doesn’t move an inch.

_Okay, it seems like he isn’t in a full panic, but I need to stay with him._ Yuuri wants to convince and beg Viktor to take them. He doesn’t think he can bare to see Viktor like this any longer, but he can’t pressure or force Viktor. Yuuri refuses to be that kind of person. He nods sadly, but with an accepting smile. “Okay. You don’t need to take them if you don’t want to.” No matter how much Yuuri wants to make Viktor take them so he doesn’t have to go through this completely, he won’t do it.

“Can you… can w-we-” Viktor draws in a shaky breath. His tone conveys what he wants very clearly, even if the words don’t come out.

Yuuri knows that Viktor is still in a panic, at least mentally. “We can lay down together. I won’t leave,” Yuuri reassures. He places the pills on the coffee table to put them away later. “Makkachin, down,” Yuuri commands Makkachin.

Makkachin jumps off of Viktor quickly.

Yuuri sits down on the opposite side of the couch and pulls Viktor to lay on his chest.

Viktor clings onto Yuuri instantly. “Please, don’t l-leave me.”

Those words wrap around Yuuri’s heart and strangles it.

Yuuri runs his hand through Viktor’s hair. “Why would I ever leave you?” Yuuri implores, making it sound like leaving Viktor is the most ridiculous thing that he has ever heard. Well, it is.

Viktor squeezes Yuuri and lays his head over Yuuri’s heart.

They are in the same position as they were in the hospital.

“I was so… mean.”

“It doesn’t matter, Vitya. I will never leave you.” Yuuri truly means it. He will never leave Viktor, not as long as he has a say in it.

“I w-was- I thought that y-you were leaving m-me….” Viktor whispers out.

Yuuri doesn’t understand what Viktor means. _He means the hospital, doesn’t he?_ “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I wasn’t leaving you.”

Small tears are running down Viktor’s face, but his face doesn’t show any expression that would allude to him crying. He holds onto Yuuri like his life depends on it. “I’m s-sorry I was like that. I- I would _never_ t-think about you like that. It-”

“Shh,” Yuuri quiets Viktor. “We both said things that we didn’t mean. I said them and you said them.” Yuuri closes his eyes and focuses solely on Viktor. “We will get through this, even if we need help to do it.”

Viktor nods against Yuuri’s chest.

Yuuri knows that they cannot go through this alone. They will probably need counseling and a lot of talking. But Yuuri has every intention of keeping his promise to Viktor.

“Yuuri?” Viktor asks after moments of silence.

“Yes?”

“I’m… I’m scared.”

“Me too, Vitya. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Viktor does have PTSD (the poor boy was shot and the love of his life almost died, you can't blame him) and I had to put a LOT of research into PTSD to try to properly represent it. (Please tell me if there is anything I should know or fix because I pride myself on realism.)  
> I must be a sadist or something in order to enjoy all of this angst.


	11. Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May I just point out how important their communication is. It is definitely why I love the two of them. Bless their souls.

Viktor lifts his head off of Yuuri’s chest and stares at Yuuri, trying to find out if he is sleeping or not.

Viktor’s question is answered when Yuuri snaps his eyes open and looks at him tiredly. “Are you feeling better?”

Viktor nods and sits up on Yuuri’s legs. “Was that a panic attack?” Viktor already knows the answer. He had seen the few panic attacks that Yuuri had while with him, but he would never had been able to imagine that they are that bad- no,  _ terrifying. _ He felt like he was going to die. Like something devastating was going to happen, but he just didn’t know what. 

Yuuri sits up as well, scooting out from under Viktor and folding his legs to sit Indian style. “Yeah. Do you know why you had one?” Yuuri asks with a gentle tone.

“No, I don’t. I was getting a pan and the pot fell on the floor and the noise made me… remember when I got shot.” Viktor’s voice is tight.

Yuuri leans forward and places a hand on Viktor’s leg. “Vitya, I think we need to take you to a psychologist.” 

The words shake Viktor. “I don’t need one.” Viktor doesn’t need any help, he’ll get better.

“Vitya, you heard a loud noise and it sent you into a panic attack. You have never  _ had _ panic attacks before. I haven’t even seen you have  _ anxiety, _ nevermind a panic attack.” Yuuri’s brown eyes beg Viktor to reason with him.

Viktor doesn’t want to seek help from others. He doesn’t need anybody. “Well, now I have.” Viktor attempts to stand up from the couch, but stumbles before regaining his balance. “Can I continue cooking now?” Viktor is almost insulted that Yuuri is even suggesting a psychologist, making it sound like something is wrong. 

Yuuri stands up as well and stops Viktor by placing his hand on his shoulder. “Vitya, you- ah, nevermind. It’s getting late and you must be tired. How about we skip dinner and go to bed?”

Viktor is extremely tired, to the point that Viktor is actually surprised that he can even stand. “But-”

“Please, Vitya?” Yuuri pleads. His eyes are filled with extreme concern for Viktor.

Viktor sighs and nods. “Fine. I’m tired anyways.” 

Yuuri gives the smile that melts Viktor’s heart. His eyes wrinkle up and the corners of his mouth drag themselves up. 

Viktor suddenly forgets about every thought of being mad and can only focus on Yuuri.

Yuuri makes his way to the bedroom. “I’m going to take a shower.” He runs a hand through his hair, cringing at how greasy it is. “My hair is gross.”

Viktor yawns loudly. He follows Yuuri. “May I join you in the shower?” Viktor asks when Yuuri enters the bathroom, about to close the door. Viktor has no intention of touching Yuuri in any inappropriate way. He just wants to be close to Yuuri.

Yuuri stops in his tracks and turns on his heel to look at Viktor. He gives Viktor a look of disbelief since Viktor has never asked to shower with him. “You know what? Sure. Come on, I’ll let you shower with me.” Yuuri steps to the side giving Viktor room to enter.

Viktor steps into the bathroom, not chancing Yuuri changing his mind. “Really?” Viktor pulls of his dark shirt and tosses it to the ground.

“Yeah,” Yuuri says while peeling off his shirt. “I mean, you aren’t going to  _ try _ anything, right?”

Viktor blushes. “No! Of course not! I would never do anything unless you asked me to!” The thought of touching Yuuri has obviously crossed Viktor’s mind quite a lot, but he would never actually act it out. Well, at least not without Yuuri’s consent. 

Yuuri snorts out a small laugh. “I know you wouldn’t, Vitya.” Yuuri walks up to Viktor and pokes his chest. “You don’t have enough energy to try.” Yuuri pecks Viktor’s cheek and takes a step back. He turns around and slides off his pants and boxers.

Viktor stares at Yuuri in amazement, completely unable to process how absolutely beautiful Yuuri is. “Wow. Have I ever told you how beautiful you look?”

“Yes. Almost everyday since we started dating,” Yuuri confirms happily.

Viktor kicks of his own pants and boxers and turns on the shower. He adjusts the temperature.

Yuuri walks up and hugs Viktor from behind. He presses his face into Viktor’s neck and hums happily. “You know,  _ you’re _ the beautiful one.”

“Oh, I’ve heard,” Viktor cockily replies. 

Yuuri snickers and slips past Viktor to walk into the shower. “No shame.”

Viktor steps in behind Yuuri. “None.”

Yuuri sighs at the warm water running down his skin. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back to cover it in water. He faces the wall with his back toward Viktor.

Viktor grabs the shampoo and squirts a small amount in his hand. He lathers it in his hands and presses his hands to Yuuri’s wet hair.

Yuuri jumps slightly from the sudden contact. “Vitya?”

Viktor massages his fingers into Yuuri’s scalp. “Stay still. I don’t want to get any soap in your eyes,” Viktor warns. He has a small, heart-shaped smile splayed across his features. 

No words leave either of their mouths. They both just soak up the intimacy of showering together. 

 

Viktor flops onto the bed, only dressed in loose pajama pants. “Yuuri~! Why are you taking so  _ long? _ ” Viktor calls out to Yuuri, who is brushing his teeth in the bathroom.

Yuuri spits into the sink. “I can’t afford to get cavities,” Yuuri swiftly responds.

“You have been in there for  _ hours! _ ”

“No, I have not!” Yuuri accuses. “Only ten minutes!”

Viktor groans and rolls onto his back. “Are you almost done?”

Yuuri walks into the bedroom, with only a towel hanging from his hips, and walks over to the closet. “Yeah, I just need to change into some pajamas.” Yuuri’s voice is somewhat sleepy, but barely noticeable. 

Viktor sits up on the bed and follows Yuuri with his eyes. “You _ could _ just sleep without clothes.” Viktor suggests.

“Hahaha, you wish.” Yuuri takes out a random shirt and throws it on. He looks down at it with a small frown. “Why is your shirt on my side of the closet?”

Viktor snickers. “ _ Well, _ I always like seeing you in my clothes.” Viktor watches as Yuuri shakes his head slowly with a small smile on his face and slides on a pair of boxers, tossing the towel into the hamper. 

Yuuri saunters over to the bed and climbs into it, crawling over to Viktor. 

Viktor leans back as Yuuri crawls forward. “Yuuri? What are you- oh!” 

Yuuri pushes Viktor by his shoulders onto the bed. His eyes are filled with a sad longing. “I missed you.”

Viktor blushes madly and props himself up on his elbows. “Yuuri?”

Yuuri lightly touches Viktor’s cheek and briefly presses his lips against Viktor’s. “I  _ really _ missed you, Vitya.” 

Viktor wraps his arms around Yuuri’s back and pulls him down to lay on top of him. “I missed you too, Yuuri.” Viktor doesn’t have any reason to miss Yuuri, but it feels right to say it. He doesn’t know why, but he has been missing something. Viktor pulls Yuuri into a long and passionate kiss. 

Yuuri hums into the kiss and holds himself up on his elbows. His hand moves itself to idly play with Viktor’s platinum locks. 

Viktor pushes his tongue into Yuuri’s slightly open mouth and runs one hand down Yuuri’s back and one hand to grip his raven hair. He drifts his other hand down to grab Yuuri’s ass.

“Ah! Vitya!” Yuuri pulls away from the kiss and stares at Viktor with wide eyes. 

Viktor retracts his hand. “Sorry. I wasn’t sure if-”

“Do it again. I don’t mind.” Yuuri looks right into Viktor’s eyes with a wild determination.

“I love you, Yuuri,” Viktor spits out without thinking about it. “I haven’t told you that enough.”

Yuuri breaks into a fit of laughter, his eyes filling with small tears. “Hahahaha!” He leans back and sits on Viktor’s legs. His head is thrown back as his chest rises and falls in sync with his laughter. “I- hahah! I love you too! Hahaha!” Tears stream down Yuuri’s face. Whether those are from happiness or not is unknown to Viktor.

“Yuuri? Are you okay?” Viktor sits up as well as he can with his legs being weighed down.

Yuuri starts laughing even harder. “No! Hahahah! Not at all!” Yuuri sobs through his laughing. “You- hahaha- you were  _ shot! _ And then- hah- and then you were in a  _ coma _ for  _ two weeks! _ Hahaha!” Yuuri wipes his cheeks with the palms of his hands. “I had  _ night terrors! _ Hahaha! Violent ones! E-each one, I would- hah- I would relive seeing you get shot! Hahahah!” 

Viktor stares at Yuuri with deep concern.  _ Is he… Is he going crazy? _ “Yuuri, I think you should-”

“I had your blood on my hands! And in all of them, you died! In  _ each _ and  _ every _ one, you died! Hahaha! In m-my hands!” Yuuri’s laughter dies down a little. “I h-held you as the life… left… your eyes….”

Viktor’s eyes soften with worry and shock.

“Then, as if it c-couldn’t get worse, you… you forgot me….” Yuuri sniffles quietly and opens his eyes to look into Viktor’s. “You- heh- You completely forgot me. I thought I did something wrong. Like I did something that justified me losing you, even for a day.” 

Viktor is too taken aback to say anything. He has never really seen Yuuri be this…  _ forward _ with his emotions.

“I… I really thought that you didn’t love me. When you said that, even though everything I knew told me otherwise… I believed you. I truly thought that you hated me.” Yuuri slowly begins crying, not dramatically, but sorrowfully.

Viktor shakes his head. “I would never hate you.”

“I know! I know! I told  _ myself _ that!  _ Everyone _ told me that! But you… you said you didn’t…. You told me over and over and over that I wasn’t good enough. Every time I looked in your eyes, I wasn’t good enough.” Yuuri frowns as he looks away from Viktor. His voice and body shakes with the oncomings of tears. 

Viktor, now having realized how terribly this entire thing has hurt Yuuri, almost falls into tears. “Yuuri, I will  _ always _ love you.”

Yuuri nods, but his eyes show that he doesn’t believe it. “And now, you have PTS-FUCKING-D! You heard a damn  _ pot _ drop and you panicked!” Yuuri throws his hands in the air in exasperation. “I know what PTSD looks like, the fear and the pain, and I  _ never _ wanted to see it in your eyes.” Yuuri brings his hand to cover his mouth. Small sobs wrack his body. 

Viktor wants to deny it, say that he is fine, but he really isn’t. He knows that  _ something _ is definitely wrong with him, well, his mind at least. “Yuuri, I… I think you are right.” 

Yuuri cries even harder, now hunched over Viktor with both hands covering his face.    
Viktor knows that Yuuri was hoping that he was wrong, that it was just his anxiety. “I’ll make an appointment with a psychologist as soon as possible.”

Yuuri pulls his hands away from his face. “R-Really?”

Viktor pulls Yuuri into a hug. “Yes, but I want you to know that I wasn’t in my right mind when I said any of that.”

Yuuri hugs Viktor harder and gives a small sob that sounds relieved. “Okay… okay.” 

Viktor looks up at Yuuri. “We will get through this, right?” Viktor asks Yuuri, wanting Yuuri to convince himself. 

“Right.” Yuuri smiles and nods happily. 

“Now, I want you to tell me why  _ you _ are my fiancé,” Viktor chides happily in an attempt to brighten Yuuri’s mood.

Yuuri smiles and shakes his head. “I wouldn’t know.”

Viktor grins and gently kisses Yuuri’s neck. “Because you are perfect.”

Yuuri scoffs and chokes a laugh. “No, I am not, Vitya.”

“Yes, you are.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” Yuuri giggles and tries to push Viktor away.

“Maybe, but am I lying?” Viktor nibbles down on Yuuri’s neck.

“Ah! Stop that! It tickles!” Yuuri tries to twist himself out of Viktor’s vice-like hold. He tries to tilt his head to stop Viktor from kissing his neck. 

Viktor flips them over with a soft grunt. He situates his body between Yuuri’s legs. Viktor’s hands fly to Yuuri’s sides to tickle Yuuri. 

“Vitya! Stop it! Hahaha! Just go to bed already! You’re tired!” Yuuri cries out and squirms dramatically, causing the bed to creak. 

“Then, tell me that you are perfect,” Viktor demands. 

“No-HAHAH! STOP IT!”

“And that you are beautiful!”

Yuuri shakes his head with a childish smile on his face.

“And that your smile is absolutely adorable!” Viktor smiles at how cute Yuuri is when he gets tickled.

“It isn’t!” Yuuri kicks his legs lightly against Viktor’s back. 

“And you are  _ way _ out of my league!” Viktor says this because he truly means it.

Yuuri shakes his head furiously, tears running down his cheeks. 

“Say. It.”

“Mph! Hng!” Yuuri tries to hold back from saying anything. “OKAY! Okay! Hahaha! Just stop!”

Viktor stills his fingers, but keeps them on Yuuri’s sides, ready to resume tickling. “Say it.”

Yuuri blushes madly and sighs. “I can’t believe you,” Yuuri mumbles.

“That didn’t sound like an ‘I am perfect’.” Viktor raises an eyebrow.

Yuuri’s breath hitches. “Don’t! Fine! I’m… I’m perfect,” Yuuri mumbles in embarrassment.

“ _ And? _ ” Viktor smirks. He sometimes needs to use more persuasive methods to get Yuuri to be happy. 

“I’m beautiful,” Yuuri whispers quieter than before.

“Uhuh, keep going.”

“And my smile is….” Yuuri bites his lip.

“What was that? I don’t think I heard you correctly.” 

“Adorable….”

Viktor gives a small chuckle at how Yuuri’s cheek tint red at the word. “Go on…”

“And I’m… I’m not going to say that,” Yuuri nervously chuckles.

Viktor kisses Yuuri’s cheek just below his eye. “What was that?”

“I am  _ not _ out of your league, Vitya.” Yuuri has a certain tone in his voice when he tries to degrade himself.

Viktor frowns and kisses Yuuri’s cheek again. “Yes, you are.” 

“Prove it.”

Viktor pulls away and looks into Yuuri’s eyes with a serious glint in his own. “You’re still with me.”

“… What?”

“Through all of this. Through all of the sadness and worry. After everything I have done. You are still with me.” Viktor leans back and sits on his feet. 

Yuuri’s expression can only be described as touched. “Vitya, you’re going to make me cry again!”

“So, to thank you, I want you to go out and do something to occupy yourself for the day so I can set up a surprise for you here.” Viktor smiles his signature heart-shaped smile and pats Yuuri’s outer thigh.

Yuuri unwraps his legs from around Viktor and sits up himself. “What are you planning?”

Viktor presses a single finger to Yuuri’s lips. “Shh, you know how much I like to surprise people.”

Yuuri giggles and rolls his eyes. “Of course. My bad,” Yuuri sarcastically responds.

Viktor kisses Yuuri’s forehead quickly. “Yes, your bad indeed.” 

Yuuri lays down and rolls onto his side. “Vitya, let’s go to sleep. I’m getting tired.” He turns his head to look at Viktor with pleading, brown eyes. 

Viktor, not able to resist those enticing eyes, gives in. He lays down behind Yuuri and intertwines their legs. “Good night, Yuuri.” Viktor murmurs while lightly kissing the back of Yuuri’s neck.

Yuuri pushes his back against Viktor’s chest. “Good night, Vitya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have an AP exam coming up next month *very stressed* and I need to CRAM for it, which means I won't be posting as often as I normally do, but I will try my best.


	12. Meaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor decides to treat Yuuri to a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My baby has sensitive gums.

Yuuri blinks his eyes a few times, taking his time to wake up. He is instantly aware of the warmth behind him and the arm draped over his side. Yuuri can feel Viktor’s face pressed against the back of his neck and his small, tickling breaths. Yuuri tries to turn around but is stopped when Viktor tightens his hold on Yuuri.

“No,” Viktor groans, his Russian accent thick with sleep. “Stay here just a little longer, luchik.” Before Yuuri has any time to complain, he lightly pecks the back of Yuuri’s neck.

Yuuri gasps and hums in appreciation. “Mn, Vitya, you really know how to convince me to stay.” He literally shakes with pleasure as Viktor sucks on the sensitive area. “V-Vitya! Don’t leave a hickey!”

“And why not?” Viktor mumbles. He licks a slow line up Yuuri’s neck.

“Viktor,” Yuuri warns, a serious tone in his voice.

Viktor whines childishly. “But Yuuri~!”

“Vitya, you are twenty-eight. You’re not a child,” Yuuri scolds teasingly. He manages to half wiggle out of Viktor’s arms before Viktor pulls him back. “Vitya!” Yuuri half laughs.

“But you make me feel young again.”

“You  _ are _ young! Just stop being stubborn and get up!” Yuuri nearly begs in exasperation. 

Viktor shakes his head.

Yuuri turns around in Viktor’s arms. “Didn’t you have a surprise for me?” Yuuri asks innocently in a last ditch effort to get Viktor let him up.

Viktor’s eyes brighten. “I do! I guess I should get that started. “ Viktor sits up in a flash and jumps off of the bed with surprising enthusiasm.

Yuuri watches from the bed, now sitting up. “It must be really good if you are this excited.”

Viktor pulls out a gray t-shirt from his closet as well as sweatpants. He smiles to himself, which Yuuri barely catches. “Yeah. It is,” Viktor heartfully replies. “But,” Viktor interjects and turns to look at Yuuri. “You need to be out of the house for a little bit.”

Yuuri reluctantly gets out of bed with a grunt. He doesn’t exactly want to leave, but he knows how much Viktor likes to surprise him. “Okay, okay. How long?”

Viktor glances over at the alarm clock. “Uhm… It’s two now, so... until five? It should be ready by then.”

Yuuri walks up to Viktor and gives a chaste kiss to his cheek. “It’s public skate at the rink, right?”

Viktor returns the gesture. “Yeah, are you planning on going there?” Viktor slips on the shirt and moves out of the way so Yuuri can have access to the closet.

“Yeah, I need the practice anyways. I’m getting fat.” Yuuri chooses one of his larger shirts out of necessity. He peels off his current shirt and trades it with the other. 

Viktor gives Yuuri’s body a quick glance and shakes his head. “I guess. But your ass looks great,” Viktor points out with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Yuuri snorts a laugh at Viktor’s obscene gesture. “Do all Russians have such a dirty minds or is it just you?”

“I hope not,” Viktor jests. “I wouldn’t want anyone else having erotic thoughts of you.”

Yuuri is midway through sliding up his pants when Viktor says that. “Hold on. Anyone  _ else!? _ ” A furious blush coats Yuuri’s face. The thought of Viktor thinking of him like  _ that _ is extremely embarrassing.

Viktor has an oblivious look on his face. “Yeah. What’s the problem?” He slides on his own sweatpants and walks over to his dresser, combing through his hair.

Yuuri scoffs at Viktor’s feigned innocence. “ _ That _ implies that  _ you _ have those thoughts.” Yuuri approaches Viktor and stands inches away from him and styles his own hair.

Viktor smirks at Yuuri in his reflection. “Well, I  _ am _ engaged to you. Why wouldn’t I have those thoughts?”

A small, embarrassed groan leaves Yuuri’s mouth. He walks out of the bedroom, having finished his hair first. “I can’t believe you.” He enters the bathroom and begins brushing his teeth. He cringes at the strength of the mint. He spits into the sink and gargles with water. “Vitya, why do you keep getting the strongest toothpaste? It burns!” Yuuri opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue that has small bumps forming from the acidity. 

“Yuuri, it isn’t the strongest. You just have a sensitive mouth.” Viktor joins Yuuri in the bathroom. 

“Yeah,” Yuuri swings his head to look at Viktor incredulous eyes. “So don’t buy the acidic ones.” Yuuri rinses off his toothbrush.

“Well, my teeth need to be white. You know this,” Viktor mumbles with a mouth full of toothpaste.

Yuuri rolls his eyes endearingly and shakes his head a little. He reenters the bedroom and opens his sock drawer and picks a random pair of socks. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he slips on the socks and makes his way into the kitchen. “Vitya,” Yuuri calls out. “Do you want me to make something for breakfast?”

“Yeah,” Viktor responds. “Can you make me syrniki and coffee?”

Yuuri roams over to the fridge and opens it, grabbing the jam. “Sure.”

 

“Viktor,” Yuuri says while standing up from the couch, carrying his empty plate of food with him into the kitchen. “I’m going to walk to the ice rink. I’ll be back for five.”

Viktor jumps up from the couch, his plate still half-full. He rushes over to Yuuri, who is slipping on his shoes, and hugs him from behind. “I’ll miss you, luchik.” Viktor nestles his head against Yuuri’s shoulder.

Yuuri places his hand on top of Viktor’s head. “I’ll miss you, too.”

Yuuri opens the door and turns back suddenly. “Don’t forget to set up the appointment with the psychologist.”

“I won’t,” Viktor reassures.

 

Yuuri walks into the ice rink, carrying his skates and walking up to the front desk. He pays the small fee and walks over to a bench to tie his skates. 

Yuuri steps onto the ice and skates, somewhat surprised by how few people are there during public skate. An old man exits the rink, coughing as he passes Yuuri.

He drifts on the ice, swaying back and forth gracefully. All of the stress of the past few weeks seems to melt from him. His anxiety. Viktor’s possible PTSD. Yuuri’s depression. All of this just… leaves Yuuri. Now, it is just Yuuri and the ice. The only thing he needs to worry about is the present. 

For what seems like hours but seconds at the same time, Yuuri rides the ice slowly. He doesn’t try any spins or jumps, just watches his skates as they draw meaningless patterns into the ice.

“Hey, pig!” A voice breaks Yuuri from his daze.

Yuuri snaps his head to where the voice had come from.

Yurio sits on a bench, putting on his skates. 

Yuuri quickly makes his way to the wall near Yurio. “Ah, Yuri! I didn’t expect to see you here!”

Yurio begins tying his left skate, not bothering to look up at Yuuri. “Neither did I. Shouldn’t you be at home, resting or something?”

“Yeah, but Vitya said he had a surprise for me and wanted me out of the house until five.”

“Oh, that makes sense…” Yurio trails off. He starts tying his other skate. “Why do you call him Vitya? You guys  _ are _ engaged.”

Yuuri tilts his head, slightly confused. “What do you mean?”

Yurio looks up at Yuuri like he is an idiot. “Pet names, tupitsa.”

“Pet names? Like darling and honey.”

Yurio squints his eyes in disbelief. “No, tha- Oh yeah, I get it.” Yurio stands up and walks over to the wall to talks to Yuuri. “In Russia, we have a weird nickname system. We have diminutives and pet names.”

Yuuri shakes his head. “You’ve already lost me.”

Yurio groans in annoyance. “You call Viktor ‘Vitya’. That’s his diminutive. Acquaintances, family, and friends use it.”

Yuuri nods.

“But pet names are the same concept, but much more exclusive.” Yurio leans over the wall, his voice low and serious. “Only close family,  _ extremely _ close friends, and lovers use it.”

“Okay. So…?”

“So,  _ you _ don’t use his pet name, which makes no fucking sense.” Yurio pauses, looking like he is in deep thought. 

“Well, he never asked me to,” Yuuri retorts.

Yurio has a look of irritation. “You don’t just  _ ask _ someone to use your pet name. It just happens.”

“I don’t see the big deal.”

“If you want to  _ really _ surprise Viktor, call him ‘Vitenka’ or something.”

“Why would that surprise him?”

“Because you would be using his  _ pet name. _ It’s practically the same as a love confession.” 

The whole concept clicks inside of Yuuri’s head. “ _ Oh. _ I get it. But would he really like it  _ that _ much?”

Yurio tosses the idea around for a moment. “Yeah, definitely,” Yurio finally states. “Also, it’s five-thirteen.”

Yuuri jolts in shock. He snaps his head towards the clock.  _ Fuck. _ Yuuri hadn’t noticed that hours have passed.

 

Yuuri runs up the steps of the house. He slams the door open, gasping for breath. “I’m here! I’m late, but I’m here!” Yuuri regains his posture and catches his breath. 

Viktor stands in front of Yuuri, dressed in a tuxedo and holding pink and cream-colored tulips in his hands. His hair is styled back and his eyes soften upon seeing Yuuri enter. “Welcome home.”   
Yuuri’s eyes widen in shock. He looks around the house, noticing how neat the place looks. “Wow.” Yuuri’s eyes fall back to Viktor. “You look…” 

Viktor walks up to Yuuri, putting the flowers in Yuuri’s hand. “Come. There’s more.” Viktor pulls the shocked Yuuri toward the dining room. Just before they reach the door, Viktor slips behind Yuuri and covers his eyes.

“Vitya, what are you doing?” Yuuri gently touches Viktor’s hands with his fingers. 

“Surprising you.” Viktor keeps his hands over Yuuri’s eyes and carefully guides him into the dining room. 

Yuuri follows Viktor’s movements, being careful not to hit his toes against anything. He can hear a chair being pulled out.

“Sit,” Viktor instructs.

Yuuri follows.

“Okay,” Viktor announces with excitement evident in his voice. “Now look.” He pulls his hands away from Yuuri’s eyes.

Yuuri opens his eyes and gasps.

The room is dim, candles illuminating the space. The small table is set for two, the plates already full of food. There are two wine glasses, each filled halfway. 

Yuuri’s mouth hangs agape at the scene. He had never seen Viktor put this much effort into something. Though it is small, it’s perfect. 

Viktor watches Yuuri with an excited smile on his face. “Do you like it?”

Yuuri smiles warmly. He vigorously nods his head. “Yes. This is… amazing.”

Viktor takes his seat across from Yuuri. “I’m glad you like it.” He stares lovingly at Yuuri.

Yuuri suddenly notices how underdressed he is. “Should I change into something more appropriate?”

Viktor shakes his head. “No, you look perfect.”

Yuuri blushes and smiles sheepishly. “So… what is the occasion?” Yuuri glances around the room. He places the tulips down on the table next to his plate.

Viktor begins picking at his food. “The past few weeks have been stressful, so I want to treat you.” Viktor gently covers Yuuri’s hand with his.

Yuuri intertwines their fingers and brushes his thumb over Viktor’s. “By that logic, then I have to do something for you, too. This has been equally, if not more stressful for you.” 

Viktor chuckles and his expression softens. “I think that problem can be solved.”

“How?” Yuuri inquires.

“You’ll find out.” 

Yuuri brushes off Viktor’s weird comment and eyes the wine. He instantly remembers the pictures of the banquet. “You’re not planning to get me drunk, are you?” Yuuri also begins eating the food, some Russian dish that he had never had before. He keeps their hands together, even though it made it slightly harder to eat, the innocent contact is nice. 

Viktor dramatically puts down his fork and sighs. “Well, there goes my evening plans,” Viktor teases. 

Yuuri laughs loudly. A sudden idea comes to his mind. “Never again. I am  _ never _ getting drunk again.”

“Not even at our wedding?” Viktor whines.

“Nope.”

“ _ Yuuri~ _ ”

“ _ Vitenka~ _ ” Yuuri mimics Viktor’s tone.

Viktor goes silent, his facial expression remaining still. 

Yuuri slightly panics since Viktor isn’t having any sort of reaction. “Um… are you okay?”

“Where did you learn that?” Viktor’s hand places his fork down and joins his other, holding Yuuri’s hand.

“Yuri told me?” Yuuri half laughs.

Viktor pulls his hand away and places it over his heart. He leans forward a little. “I think I just died.” Viktor stares at his plate with dramatically wide eyes.

“Vitya, you-”

Viktor holds up a finger. “No. No going back now. You use it once, you can’t turn back.”

Yuuri scoffs at Viktor’s ‘extra’-ness. “Stop being dramatic,  _ Vitenka. _ ” Yuuri rolls the name off of his tongue, emphasizing each syllable. 

Viktor smiles warmly. “You have no idea what you do to me.”

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yes.” Viktor stands up. He walks until he is standing next to Yuuri.

Yuuri turns to sit sideways in the chair, slightly confused. “What are you doing?”

“Just… close your eyes again,” Viktor requests, his voice filled with nervousness. 

Yuuri rolls his eyes, but closes them regardless. “You and all of this eye closing. What are you doing now?” Yuuri gets no response from Viktor. “Vitenka?” Yuuri raises one of his eyebrows curiously. He slightly opens one of his eyes. “Vi- oh my God,” Yuuri gasps, clamping his hands over his mouth in shock.

Viktor kneels in front of Yuuri, a box with a ring in his hand.  _ The _ ring. He has a small, nervous but hopeful smile on his face.

Yuuri feels small tears well up in his eyes. He knows what Viktor is going to ask. Yuuri knows that Viktor has been waiting to do this. A tightness forms in Yuuri’s throat. A tightness that Yuuri has come to associate with his anxiety, but this time is different. This time it’s happy. 

Viktor takes a deep breath of encouragement. “Yuuri, I… I don’t know how to say this, but I want to spend every last second of my life with you, no matter how hard and painful the road may be.”

Yuuri makes a small sound of shock, overwhelmed with emotion.

“And I never thought that I would be so lucky as to find someone that I want to call mine, but I have.” Viktor smiles warmly up at Yuuri. A certain contentedness fills his blue eyes.

Yuuri smiles uncontrollably and nods his head, answering the anticipated question.

“These past few week have… really been a test for both of us and I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if this will get better or worse, but I want to be with you the entire way.” Viktor takes the ring out of the box and tucks the box away. He holds the ring between his fingers. The ring is made of gold, elegant engravings decorating the sides. “The gold medal doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t think I want to take the chance of waiting a moment longer and losing you.” 

Tears are streaming down Yuuri’s face.

“Will you come to America with me and become my lawful husband?”

Yuuri chokes a sob and nods his head. “Yes! Yes! I will!” He leaps from the chair, falls to his knees, and tightly embraces Viktor. Emotions that Yuuri has never felt before rush through him. He nuzzles his face into Viktor’s neck and cries happily.

Viktor, having the wind knocked out of him, wraps his own arms around Yuuri. He sighs in relief that Yuuri accepted. Viktor notices how warm Yuuri’s face is against his neck. “Thank you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri pulls away from Viktor’s neck, a bright smile gracing his features. 

Viktor leans in and presses his lips to Yuuri’s forehead. “Yuuri,” Viktor mumbles. “You have a fever.”

Yuuri scoffs, mixed with a laugh. “I do?”

“Yeah. I should get you some medicine for that or something.” Viktor tries to stand up.

Yuuri shakes his head endearingly and keeps his tight hold on Viktor. “No, I don’t feel too bad. Let’s just finish dinner, yeah?”

Viktor frowns and squints his eyes suspiciously. “Okay, but I’m not trusting you.”

“Hahaha, okay. I’ll accept that.” Yuuri stands up and offers a hand to help Viktor. 

Viktor takes Yuuri’s hand, but holds onto it, slipping the ring onto Yuuri’s right ring finger. “It looks so nice on your hand,” Viktor off-handedly comments with adoration dripping from his voice. He walks back to his seat and continues eating his food.

Yuuri eats as well, taking a few moments to stare at the ring. “Aren’t we supposed to put on the wedding rings  _ at _ the wedding?”

Viktor shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe, but I couldn’t get  _ another _ engagement ring. Plus, I like to be a little extravagant.”

Yuuri almost laughs. “No!  _ Really!? _ I would have never known!” Yuuri’s voice heightens at the end of his sentence.

Viktor scoffs, clearly offended. “ _ I _ am  _ hurt. _ Your words  _ wound _ me, Yurakha!”

Yuuri is taken aback by the name. “Oh, is that  _ my _ pet name?” Yuuri feels a swell of pride that Viktor has given him a pet name.

Viktor nods. “If you want it to be. I think it suits you.” Viktor has a heart-shaped grin. He takes a sip of his wine and nods towards Yuuri’s. “Aren’t you going to have some?”

Yuuri laughs and shakes his head. “ _ Hell _ no. I’m not going to get drunk again. You can try all you want, but it isn’t going to happen!”

Viktor opens his mouth to make a snark comment.

Yuuri interrupts Viktor with a loud fit of coughing. Once the fit subsides, Yuuri clears his throat. “Maybe I am sick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever you do, don't worry about the tags. But do look up the meaning of the flower colors.   
> I put time into that.


	13. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yuuri have a heart-to-heart.

Viktor gives a knowing look at Yuuri. “Are you okay? Do you need medicine?”

Yuuri waves his hand to dismiss him. “No, I’ll be fine. Let’s just finish eating.”

Viktor sighs in defeat. “Okay.”

 

Yuuri finishes the last bit of food. He glances at the clock and is shocked by the time. “It’s getting late, Vitenka. We should go to bed soon.”

“Really? It can’t be that late.” Viktor turns his own gaze to the clock and nods in agreement. “I guess it is.” Viktor stands up from the table with a small grunt and reaches for Yuuri’s empty plate.

Yuuri swats away Viktor’s hand and gives him a small look. “I can get my own plate. Worry about your plate.” Yuuri gets up from the table, grabbing his own plate and wine glass. His step lacks his usual stature, slouching slightly.

Viktor barely notices it. He quickly runs up behind Yuuri. He presses his lips to Yuuri’s temple and grabbing Yuuri’s plate with his free hand and putting it on top of his own plate. “Yurakha, I’ll take care of it. You should take a bath for your fever,” Viktor mumbles against Yuuri’s temple, warm with fever.

Yuuri groans in annoyance. He makes a grab for his plate, only to have Viktor pull it away. “Give me back my plate, Vitenka. I’ll take a bath after.” Yuuri tries to snatch back his plate again.

Viktor responds by moving away from Yuuri again. “No. Take a bath,” Viktor stubbornly insists.

Yuuri lunges forward, the plate once again being pulled from his reach. “After. Now, give it!”

Viktor holds the plates above his head, using his height to his advantage. “Now, Yurakha.”

“Really? I said I will take one after I clean my plate. Now,  _ give it. _ ” Yuuri jumps to try and grab the plate, causing Viktor to stand on his toes.

Viktor shakes his head. “No. You are sick. Take a bath.”

Yuuri sighs disgruntledly. “I’m not even that sick. It’s just a slight cough.” Yuuri has always hated being babied or given special treatment, something Viktor blames on Yuuri’s anxiety.

“ _ Viktor, _ ” Yuuri warns with authority in his voice.

“ _ Yuuri, _ ” Viktor light-heartedly retorts. 

Yuuri huffs in defeat and crosses his arms across his chest. “You know what?  _ Fine. _ ” Yuuri turns on his heel and stomps off to the bathroom. He isn’t really  _ mad _ at Viktor, he is more irritated. Viktor is nothing but supportive of Yuuri, but he sometimes coddles him too much. He strips his clothes and turns on the shower nozzle. 

After a few moments of waiting, the water is warm enough and Yuuri steps into the shower. 

He wets his hair, running his hands through it. “Who does he think he is? Telling me what to do…,” Yuuri grumbles. “I’m hardly even sick.” 

But Yuuri knows how easily he gets sick. He would have to miss weeks of school because of a fever or the one time he had pneumonia. Months ago, he had a runny nose that turned into constant nausea and migraines. That is probably why Viktor is so careful whenever Yuuri gets even slightly sick. 

“I was in the hospital just a few days ago,” Yuuri whispers, not audible over the rushing water. 

Paranoia is somewhat obvious in their relationship now. Yuuri is constantly worried about Viktor losing his memory again, even though it is unlikely for him to relapse. And Viktor is worried that Yuuri will leave him from being overwhelmed with the whole situation. Though Viktor has hardly expressed his concern, it makes Yuuri feel bad. He doesn’t want Viktor blaming himself for any of this. The only person to blame is the asshole who shot Viktor, who will thankfully rot in jail after confessing that it was a ‘stunt’ to impress a gang that he was trying to join.

Yuuri grimaces at the thought. He visited the man in jail, only to ask him why he had done this to Viktor. The man apparently understood English and even responded to Yuuri. He began crying in front of Yuuri, apologizing profusely in broken English, telling Yuuri some sorry excuse about his money situation. Yuuri just listened, trying not to jump over the table and strangle the young man. All Yuuri told the man as he left was that he hopes he dies inside his cell.

Yuuri realizes that he is getting a little too mad, grumbling out loud his entire train of thought, and calms himself. “That man will never get out of that cell,” Yuuri consoles himself. 

Yuuri turns off the shower and steps out. He grabs one of the towels hanging on the towel bar. With frantic, sloppy motions, Yuuri dries his hair and wraps the towel around his waist. He leaves the bathroom and walks into his bedroom.

Viktor sits on the bed, changed into his usual pajama pants, with a somewhat shocked but sympathetic expression on his face. “You really hate him, don’t you?”

Yuuri takes a step back for a moment and bows his head in embarrassment, no, shame. He only gives a small nod, sneezing half way through. “Sorry….”

Viktor stands up and strides over to Yuuri. He quickly embraces Yuuri and rests his chin on top of Yuuri’s head. “It’s okay. I completely understand.”

Yuuri wraps his own arms around Viktor. “No, it’s not okay for me to say those things. I just got a little upset.”

Viktor gives a muffled chuckle. “I’d honestly be more concerned if you  _ didn’t  _ want him to rot in jail. But that was a little scary.” He nuzzles his nose against Yuuri’s temple. “Remind me not to piss you off.  _ Ever. _ ”

Yuuri tilts his head toward Viktor’s touch. “Mn. Only you could make me that mad. But I’m probably going to need a therapist myself,” Yuuri smiles a little when Viktor’s fingers play with his hair, calming his anxiety. 

“Yep, I took care of that.”

“Really!?” Yuuri exclaims, clearly shocked. He pulls back slightly and stares at Viktor with wide eyes. 

“Mhm,” Viktor confirms, “I hope I didn’t overstep any boundaries. I just thought that we both need help.” He searches Yuuri’s brown eyes for any hints that he did something insensitive by mistake.

Yuuri smiles softly and shakes his head. “No, I was planning on it anyways.” Yuuri inhales deeply and sneezes violently into his hands, which he had to slap onto his face to stop himself from sneezing on Viktor, making him dizzy for a moment. He staggers backward and shakes his head. “Woah, that hurt.” 

Viktor stares for a moment, waiting for Yuuri to sneeze again.

Much to neither of their surprise, Yuuri sneezes another three times in a row. He ends up bent over, recovering from the onslaught of sneezes. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I think I died a little.”

Viktor pats Yuuri’s back. “Are you okay?”

Yuuri straightens his back and nods. “Yeah, I’m good. Back to the point.” Yuuri looks at Viktor. “When did you set up your appointment with the psychologist?”

Viktor averts his gaze. “Next week… your appointment is the week after.” He seems to have something on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t know how to say it.

“Good!” Yuuri praises. He is about to kiss Viktor’s cheek but stops himself since he is sick. “Wanna go to bed? I’m pretty tired. Also, when do we plan on going to America to get our marriage license?” Yuuri beams at the word ‘marriage’.

“Yeah,” Viktor agrees. “I was thinking next month.” 

With a small nod, Yuuri migrates to the closet and sheds the towel. He slides on a pair of boxers and shuffles over to the bed, where Viktor is already lying with the blanket pulled back for Yuuri to slip in. Yuuri flicks off the lights.

Yuuri climbs onto the bed and snuggles up against Viktor’s chest. 

Viktor covers him and Yuuri with the blanket and holds Yuuri close. “Your hair is getting long,” Viktor absent-mindedly comments while running his fingers through Yuuri’s hair.

“I’ve heard,” Yuuri mumbles tiredly into Viktor’s chest.

“You might be able to tie it up.”

Yuuri hums in agreement and drapes and arm over Viktor. “Goodnight, Vitenka.”

Viktor kisses Yuuri’s forehead, not caring that Yuuri is sick. “Goodnight, Yurakha.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few people said that they didn't trust me when I said not to worry.  
> You few are wise.


	14. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's fever induces a nightmare.

Yuuri and Viktor walk out of the restaurant, hand-in-hand. Yuuri feels a deep dread in the pit of his stomach, though he doesn’t know why. It all feels so  _ familiar. _

He tightens his hold on Viktor’s hand. 

“Yuuri?” Viktor asks. “Are you okay? You seem anxious.”

Yuuri nods his head. “Yeah, it’s just my anxiety. I’ll be okay.”

Yuuri glances behind him, only to see a man in a hoodie walking close behind him. He has an itching instinct to take Viktor’s hand and run, but brushes it off due to his anxiety. 

“Hey, Nikiforov,” the man calls out.

Yuuri remembers why he was feeling dread. His breath hitches and he tries to tug Viktor’s arm, but it is almost like his body is not under his control. He seems to just be watching himself act this out.

Yuuri cries out internally and tries his hardest to run, to warn Viktor, but he can’t do anything. “No! Please, run!” He screams at the top of his lungs, but nothing comes out. He and Viktor just turn around, both bearing their usual smiles.

Yuuri screams and begs for Viktor to run. Tears stream down his face, as he can only stay planted and watch as the man pulls out the gun. “Viktor! RUN! Please!”

The man shoots Viktor, and finally, Yuuri is back in control. Yuuri screams as he watches Viktor collapse to the ground, blood gushing from the gun wound.

Yuuri falls to his knees and panics. He doesn’t know what to do. “I-It’s o-okay, V-Viktor!” Yuuri sobs. He places his hands over the wound and applies pressure. “Y-You’re going to b-be okay!” There’s so much blood. Too much. But somehow, Viktor manages to stay conscious, just…  _ staring _ at Yuuri, seemingly unfazed by the wound.

“Why are you letting me die, Yurakha?” Viktor asks, bringing his blood-covered fingers to brush across Yuuri’s cheek.

Yuuri’s eyes widen. “W-What!? I-I’m no-t!” Yuuri manages to speak through the onslaught of tears. 

Viktor has a dark glare in his eyes. “I can’t believe that you ever said that you loved me,” Viktor spits vehemently. 

Yuuri chokes on a sob and shakes his head in confusion. “N-No! I-!” His body is wracked with convulsions from his sobbing. 

Viktor coughs up blood and pulls Yuuri’s face down to look into his eyes.

Yuuri allows Viktor to pull his face to hover only inches above his. 

“You’re the biggest mistake of my life,” Viktor seethes before finally falling limp.

 

Yuuri screams and jolts up in his bed. 

Viktor is sitting right next to him, a concerned expression on his face. He grabs Yuuri’s shoulders and examines his face. “Y-Yurakha! Are you okay!?” Viktor stops himself from hugging Yuuri as to give Yuuri a chance to respond.

Yuuri stares at Viktor with wide, teary eyes. “I-I-!” Yuuri buries his face in his hands and sobs violently. He pulls his knees up to his chest and lets the tears flow freely.

Viktor is unsure whether a hug would help Yuuri or make it worse. He has never seen Yuuri cry so… hysterically. “Yurakha, can I hug you?”

Yuuri cringes at the name, reminding him of the nightmare. He nods regardless.

Viktor pulls Yuuri into a tight hug. He runs his hand up and down Yuuri’s back in a comforting manner. “Shh… It’s okay. It was just a dream.”

_ But it wasn’t a dream.  _ Yuuri clenches his eyes shut in a failed attempt to stop crying. He clings to Viktor desperately, wanting to make sure that Viktor is safe. 

Viktor’s heart breaks a little further with every sob that leaves Yuuri. “It’s okay. I am right here.”

Yuuri shakes his head. It takes what seems like hours to calm his sobs until they are just heavy breathing and the occasional whimper.

“Yurakha, do you want to talk about it? Or do you want to go back to sleep?” Viktor asks in a soothing tone.

Yuuri nods slightly. “Yeah, I w-want to talk about it.”

Viktor smiles endearingly, happy that Yuuri isn’t clamming up  and hiding his emotions. “Okay. What happened?”   
“It was the night when you were… shot.” 

Viktor understandably cringes at the mention. 

“We were leaving the restaurant,” Yuuri continues, his voice is low and quivering. “And he- that man- he shot you and….” Yuuri isn’t sure if he should share the details. Viktor would obviously blame himself for it or feel some amount of guilt. “You didn’t make it.” 

Viktor nods understandably. “What aren’t you telling me?” Viktor has known Yuuri long enough to know when Yuuri is trying to hide something.

Yuuri lowers his eyes and hugs Viktor even harder. “You- You asked why I was letting you die.”

“Oh, Yurakha,” Viktor sympathetically cooes. 

“And you s-said that I d-didn’t l-love you…!”

Viktor is at a loss of words. “Yurakha I w-”  _ would never say that. _ But he had. Viktor had actually  _ told _ Yuuri that Yuuri didn’t love him.

Yuuri sniffles and whispers in a voice low, nearly just a huff of breath. “...that I was the biggest mistake of your life…” Tears sting Yuuri’s eyes again and his hitches at the memory.

Viktor almosts breaks into tears himself. Nothing- absolutely  _ nothing- _ is further from the truth. “No no no. That’s not close to true.” The Russian can’t even comprehend the tight, pit-like feeling in his stomach. “Not in the least.”

Yuuri nods against Viktor’s chest. “I’m sorry. I haven’t had a nightmare since you came home.” He buries his face into Viktor’s chest.

Viktor slowly strokes the Japanese man’s back. “It’s probably your fever. It’s gotten worse.” He kisses Yuuri’s forehead to check the temperature once more. “You should get some rest. I’ll be right here the whole time.” 

Though extremely reluctant, Yuuri has to agree. His eyes burn and his chest hurts, his whole body is exhausted from both the fever and the episode. “Y-You promise? You need to promise that you won’t leave me.”

It is uncertain whether Yuuri means until he wakes up or forever, but Viktor silently agrees to both. “Mhm. I’ll never leave you.”

The Japanese man sighs tiredly and rubs his eyes. Both of them lower themselves on the bed.

Viktor pulls Yuuri to his body, their faces just inches from each others. 

Yuuri’s breath tickles Viktor’s chin and neck. “I love you, Yurakha.”

“I love you, too, Vitenka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that angst (it was really just an excuse for some fluff).  
> I finally took my AP exam! Now, I just have to wait for the results in July. So, that means I will be able to update regularly!


	15. Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's fever is getting worse and he's feeling the effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super late because I am having WICKED bad writer's block and I'm trying to stall and give myself time to choose which direction this is going in (I would say it is good, but we all know that I am a bit of a sadist when it comes to writing). I have some HUGE decisions in terms of the next few chapters and I want to apologize in advance for whatever I choose.

 Viktor is the first of the two to awaken, rubbing his eyes and adjusting to the brightness of the sunlight streaming through the windows. A large heat is clinging to his side. Yuuri’s arms are wrapped tightly around his torso, his fingers lightly digging into his side. “Ah, Yurakha?”

Yuuri makes a low grumbling noise, as if he is trying to say something in response but cannot form the words. His face scrunches a little and he squirms until finally settling down and resuming his tight hold on Viktor. 

“Yurakha, I need to get up.”

“No…! I just want to sleep…” Yuuri slurs sleepily. His voice is gravelly.

Viktor sighs and rolls over to bring a hand to Yuuri’s forehead. “Oh, you’re burning! How are you feeling?”

“Mn… terrible.”

Viktor makes a small noise of understanding. “I’ll get you some tea to help your throat.” He lightly kisses Yuuri’s forehead and runs his free hand through his dark hair. He examines Yuuri: his face is pale, his nose is bright red, and his eyes look puffy.

Yuuri closes his eyes and tilts his head up into Viktor’s hand. 

Viktor gives Yuuri an endearing smile before trying to get up once again, slipping his arm out from underneath him.

Yuuri frowns slightly but doesn’t give any verbal protest against Viktor’s leaving. 

Viktor’s mind drifts to going to practice, but neither of them have their doctors’ clearance to do anything physical, so they don’t have anything they absolutely have to do. That means that Viktor can focus on nursing Yuuri. No matter how much he hates seeing Yuuri being miserable, he never misses being able to take care of Yuuri while he’s sick.

With a tired smile, Viktor stands from the bed and immediately makes his way to the door. He doesn’t bother putting on a shirt to match his pajama pants or fixing his hair, Yuuri certainly wouldn’t mind. Makkachin is waiting for him outside the door. Viktor kneels down and pats Makkachin’s head. “Why don’t you go lay down with daddy until I get back?”

Makkachin walks past Viktor slower than usual but doesn’t assault Yuuri with licking like usual. He jumps onto the bed and lays down, resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder.

Viktor opens a cupboard filled with pots and pans. A cold shiver runs through him when he remembers his previous panic attack. He shakes his head, scolding himself.

He’s just being paranoid. 

He carefully grabs a kettle from a shelf and closes the cupboard. 

Viktor makes the tea as fast as humanly possible, managing to sneak in a cup of coffee for himself while warming the water on the stove.

He hears the pattering of bare feet on the wooden floor of the hallway. Viktor leans his head into the hallway before hearing the door of the bathroom slam shut. “Yurakha?” He leaves the coffee and tea and darts to the bathroom, throwing the door open.

Yuuri is kneeling on the ground in front of the toilet, leaning over it.

Viktor rushes to Yuuri’s side, kneeling beside him and examining his face. “Are you okay!? Do you need me to-”

Yuuri cuts Viktor off by lurching forward and vomiting into the toilet bowl. Once it passes, Yuuri is panting and trying to spit out the disgusting taste. “Viten-” He lurches forward once more. This time, he pulls away with tears in his eyes.

Viktor places his hand on Yuuri’s back and rubs up and down gently. “Shh. It’s okay… it’s okay,” he cooes softly. His hand that is not on Yuuri’s back combs through his hair to keep it out of his face, but also to sooth him through it. 

Yuuri pulls back and pants heavily. “Ugh…” Tears stream down his face from the twisting feeling in his stomach and the burning in his throat.

Viktor’s heart clenches with sympathy. He knows how much Yuuri hates throwing up. Whenever he has a particularly bad day where his anxiety plagues him, Viktor will usually have to sit beside him as he throws up from it and comfort him with gentle words and touch. 

“I th-think I’m good,” Yuuri raspily manages. He grabs a sheet of toilet paper and wipes his chin before tossing it into the toilet and flushing. The spaciness can be heard in his voice, making it obvious that the fever is causing him to be exhausted and completely out of it.

“Okay, let’s get you to bed and I’ll prepare a warm bath for you.” Viktor pats Yuuri’s back. He wraps Yuuri’s arms around his neck and hoists him up, carrying him koala-style. He braces his hands under Yuuri’s thighs to wrap them around his waist. He notices how Yuuri is a tad heavier than he usually is since it is off-season  _ and _ he hasn’t been practicing, so his off-season stomach is returning and to be honest, Viktor enjoys it.

Yuuri only responds with a small groan of disapproval. “Vitenka~ I can walk on my own. I’m not a baby.” No matter what he says, his head still rests on Viktor’s shoulders.

Viktor clicks his tongue. “No offense, but you are one when you’re sick. You barely manage to function.” He chuckles lightly and affectionately pecks Yuuri’s neck. He carries Yuuri to their bedroom, earning no further complaints from him. 

Once he enters the room, Makkachin approaches him and stays within a foot of them but doesn’t get in Viktor’s way while he lays Yuuri down on the bed, covering him with the large blanket. Viktor makes his way back to the bathroom, but a hand stops him. 

“Vitenka, can’t you just give me some medicine and sleep with me?” Yuuri half moans, half groans. He pouts and uses his pleading eyes.

Viktor groans, mentally scolding himself for giving in. “Okay, I’ll get the ibuprofen and then we can lay down.” 

With Yuuri, he is  _ whipped. _

 

Viktor re-enters their bedroom with the ibuprofen and a cup of water in hand. He approaches the curled up lump under the thick fabric of the blanket. “Yurakha, I have your medicine.”

Yuuri doesn’t budge or show any sign of consciousness. 

The Russian can easily tell that Yuuri is faking his slumber. “Hm, what a shame. I guess if you won’t wake up, I’ll just have to wake you up.” He kneels down on the floor next to the bed, looking at Yuuri’s face.

He prepares his best defenses, knowing exactly what to say to get Yuuri to take the medicine. 

“I guess I could just… kiss you? Even if I get sick?” He leans in close, letting his breath tickle Yuuri’s face.

Those brown eyes finally open, glaring at Viktor. “I can’t believe you.” He sounds absolutely  _ pissed. _ “Why can’t you just let me sleep?”

Viktor hardly takes the threatening tone to heart. “I will. The deal was that you  _ take the medicine _ and then I let you sleep.” He speaks the words with softness, a small smile gracing his features.

“Okay, all right, just give me the damn pills.” He slips his hand out of the covers and holds out his palm. The two pills are placed in his hand and he swallows them dry, much too pissed off to give a single fuck. “Now let me sleep.” He turns onto his other side, showing Viktor his displeasure.

Viktor sets the glass of water down on the nightstand and climbs over Yuuri, careful not to hit him with his knee. Once he is on his side of the bed, he slips under the covers and gets closer to Yuuri. 

Yuuri intertwines their legs and pulls Viktor close. “You’re the best.”

_ Mood swings are no joke with you. _ “No, you are.”

Yuuri smiles tiredly. “I love you, Vitenka.” He sounds almost sad, but that could just be his exhaustion, hopefully it is.

“I love you more, my luchik.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave feedback and pop a kudos if you enjoyed it!


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